I'm What Age??

I haven't been inspired to write in a while even though everything is bat shit crazy here. Then today, I got a message that made my brain flood out. My friend from Otterbein, Celina, is celebrating her 35th birthday today. I celebrated mine back in February. Celina texted me and reminded me that back in college (when texting didn't exist), we made a pact that we would get married when we were 35 if neither of us were by then. Holy shit. That's today. Here were two kids, maybe 20-22 years old, sitting in the palace, or in a fog of smoke at Jonda, or walking to the PIT catch some disease from the carpet, and were thinking waaaaaay ahead to the future when we would be old and figured it would be unheard of to be unmarried at 35. Wow. If something happened today that was the universe telling me something, it was this.

What do we think at the end of college? We're going to marry someone we already know, we're going to get a job in something that we've been studying for the past 4 years, and we have the tools to face any challenge that we come across. Well I wish someone would've taken a frozen deer and bashed me over the head at that moment. I'm 35. I'm fucking 35! What have I been doing for the past 13 years? If this was an essay question on a test, I'd simply answer "I don't know". A lot of significant events and absence o events stick out in my mind. I remember being in NYC. I remember seeing a whole bunch of shows that I couldn't tell you the first thing about, I dated some girls, I made a lot of money, I met thousands of people, I traveled around the city and saw anything and everything. I toured for almost 5 years. I saw the country. I saw the world. I did tv. I did movies. I produced. I directed. I taught. I was a trainer. I was a bartender. I figure I was in NYC for almost 4,400 days of my life. I want one of those days back.

I hate to say this, but I feel I've wasted so much time. I feel like I'm 35 going on 22. I have found a way to let the world move forward and somehow I feel like I sat there and watched it go by. 4,400 days! It's a blur. I moved there to be an actor and I got scared. I found stability and I punked out. I should be able to list 4400 things that I did to work my way UP the ladder, but I feel like I have 3,000 things that have made me a stationary jogger.

I think I sabotage myself so I don't move forward. I focus on my mistakes. I focus on what has held me back. I live my life always believing I WILL do something. EVENTUALLY I will get to something. When does that stop for me? It makes me cry. I sometimes stand isolated and the only phrase that rolls around in my head is "I am a waste". I know what my potential is and I'm nowhere near it and I refuse to do anything about it. I'm not even doing anything now. I'm writing about not doing anything! One of the things I want to do is write!

35 is approaching 40 and that scares the living shit out of me. Gas is almost 4 dollars a gallon. That scares the living shit out of me. Watching the news scares the shit out of me. Listening to firings, layoffs, tuition increases, lower test scores, economy struggles, partisan politics, insurance problems, hatred, death, cutbacks, closings and all other things that will affect me scares the shit out of me.

For some reason, the whole world came crashing down on me this week and I realized I don't think I have what it takes to make it. I have big ideas and dreams and I don't trust myself to follow them through. It frustrates me to all hell because it's all on me. There's a part of me that knows no matter how hard I work, it doesn't matter. I'm being swallowed up by a large void and I have dropped my weapons and have stopped fighting. I have so many things that have been considered successes that I have either not followed through with or destroyed. I have things that I have put an effort into that I have stopped short doing. I have things I want to do and have worldly ideas for that I have never begun. Of the three, which do I even begin to take on as a challenge?

Here is the 35 year old, looking back on myself at 22 and saying "Jason, you have no clue. You're going to make mistake after mistake. The problem is you will have trouble learning from them. At 35, you'll still feel like you do at 22 but only with more physical and emotional scars, more stories, more experience, and things are going to be more expensive." Celina and I thought 35 was going to be major marker in our lives, but actually is a crater in the war ground of my life and I've got my head down and keep charging and hope to kill some enemy along the way.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.......Well I want it back. I should have done this. I could have done that. I would have done that. These phrases go through my head way too many times in a day. I know it's wrong, but I don't seem to change the pattern. And why? Because I know what the past was about. I know I survived it. I know what I liked and didn't like...... But the future fucking scares me. I know I'm going to continue to make mistakes and that hurts me so much. I've made enough mistakes for 300 lifetimes. I'm a mistake machine.

Spring Break

What? I have a spring break starting tomorrow night? The last one of those I celebrated was in 1998 when my frat brothers and I went down to Fort Lauderdale. Now, 13 years later, Im living in Florida and going up north where it's cold for my spring break! Yeah, the only nudity I'll see next week is the Naked Cowboy in Times Square. Im half way done with my second semester and I feel graduation is right around the corner. Holy Shit. Then what? I guess I'll have to become a teacher so I can get another spring break. This time..maybe....Kansas!! Ooooooh, Kansas in March!!!

I'm heading to NYC on Saturday. I have so many mixed emotions about it that it doesn't even seem real right now. The last time I was in NY was early June. I couldn't have packed my car fast enough because the next few months were going to be extra perfect and the few years after that were going to be even better. Well that all went to hell and I feel the good memories of NYC died with it. I wasted a lot of time in NY doing nothing. I was there for 12 years and saw and experienced about 10% of the art I should have. But that's in the past. I live for the present. What's going on right now? I want to go there. See some friends. See some shows. Laugh. Remember. Walk. Run. Jump on crowded subways. Push my way through Times Square. Go to my favorite places that only real New Yorkers know about. Hopefully see my buddy who defines the word friendship, Derek O'ShitHead. Possibly get a crack whore to give me a handy on 10th Ave for free because she digs my personality.

This will be the first time I can remember that I will be in NYC with absolutely no agenda. I won't have to go to one of my 4 jobs. I have no auditions....planned. I won't have money weighing down my brain for every step I take. I might actually experience NYC the way it should be experienced next week. I might wake up and decide to go to a museum. Why? Because I don't have jack sit to do. Of course I have a paper on Martin McDonagh, a paper on Sam Shepard, and a shitload of music to learn for when I get back. But hey, if that city can't fucking empower me and inspire me, where else can it? I realize I'm cussing a lot more. I think my brain realizes I'm going home.

I want to see Spiderman get stuck. I want to sit on the third floor of my bar after we close and bullshit with everyone till morning. I want to walk through Central Park. I want to take hundreds of pictures through the eyes of someone who hasn't seen the place in a while. I want a NY slice!! I want to hear my favorite barbershop quartet on the 4/5 train. I want to sit in the nasty seats of UCB and laugh harder than I've ever laughed at a scripted show. I want to walk the streets and wonder, "what happened to 22 year old Jason? Where did his dreams go? Where did the time go? How did he end up in Florida 12 years later? What is that smell? Why didn't I see more shows? Did I make out with that girl at one time? Where did my acting and auditioning go wrong? Will I realize how good it is being in Florida? Will I notice the things that drove me crazy about the acting, talent, and business continuously flying around me? " I'm afraid I'll see a show or workshop or showcase and shake every last actor and say, "You're in NYC, be the best actor you can be and don't accept anything less. Because right now, you suck ass!" Yeah, there's my New York attitude!!!!!

Thank you

Kindergarten: Miss Heartline which we wrote with a heart and a line because we didnt know how to spell. She caught me chewing gum one day and scolded me silently. I still remember that.

First Grade: Miss Buchman. I've heard she's passed away. I remember my favorite Halloween party was in that class.

Second Grade: Mrs. Floehr. One of my favorites of all time. At the age of 7, I learned how to be sarcastic, loving, and disciplinary at the same time. I remember her writing my name on the board when I did something bad. God, I hated getting my name on the board. And a checkmark? Crap!

Third Grade: Ms. Fyffe. The first year of what we would know about standardized tests. Also, Christmas Carol with George C Scott came out that year and we read the script along with the movie. The first of 3000 scripts I would read with passion.

Fourth Grade: Miss Orsborne. I thought I was sneaky and changed a punctuation mark on a quiz and she gave me credit for it. I still remember that. I actually feel bad about that. I also remember making the largest Indian Burial ground as a project. We also watched the Challenger explosion in that class.

Fifth Grade: Mr. Cook. Finally a male teacher! Woody Hayes died while I was in fifth grade. We played the longest game of taking wagons across the country on a big map on the wall. I remember my wagon made it across safe. I remember decorating pumpkins and having to write a creative story about the pumpkin and its personality. I also remember that damn movie about making doughnuts and how it changes if you type in 100 and add a zero it makes 1000. The hilarity came from those 900 extra doughnuts!! It made me crave doughnuts the rest of my life. Started playing guitar that year.

Sixth Grade: Mrs. Hoeflinger. One of my favs. Still keep in touch with her to this day. Started playing trumpet that year. Made a video about something which she'll remember. Ah, 1987. The invention of the VHS. I remember her saying she knew Mandy Fox was going to be a great actress back in 6th grade. I wanted the same kind of compliment. I craved it.

Ms. Haddad and Mrs. Fullen: My art teachers through elementary school. Mrs Fullen implanted the music bug in me. Ms. Haddad let me learn the concept of creating. Which I took hold and went crazy with it.

Middle School: Ah, puberty. Learned sex education. Learned the physical aspects of it. They left out all of the emotional and mental bullshit that comes along with it. Mrs. Christianson had Pat and I do my first real acting scene. I was Tom Cruise from Rain Man... of course I was. We did Christmas Carol in 8th grade. Pat was Ebenezer Scrooge. I had a bit part. I was pissed. Not at Pat, but taught me early that this business sucks.

High School: Mr and Mrs Brenneman. The two people who I hate more than anyone because they made me become addicted to this thing we call performing. They took me at a time where I was slightly interested, and flooded me with music, theater, performing, and learning that art was more than just getting applause. The music and theater program at my high school was/is more advanced and more organized than a lot of colleges around the country. I remember Robin taking me into her office and giving me her honest opinion about who I was as an actor and my possibilities. She told me once I found myself and my own voice, I would be unstoppable. We did more literature, concerts, plays, programs, events, entertainment, and practice time in high school than some actors do in a lifetime. They are 2 of my closest friends in the world.

It was here that Mr. Shepard let me have free reign in my creative writing class. Ms. Chase challenged me every day to not just memorize the facts about politics, but actually know it. Mr. Winland gave me cramps in my writing hand, Mrs. Bower taught me comprehension, Mrs. Vance taught me the superiority of technical design and professional expectations (and accepted nothing less than perfection in my writing), Mr. Smith and Mr Blackstone taught me the basics of the gym and health which I use to this day, Mrs Hensley and Mrs O'Shaughnessy who I owe everything and more to, Mr Snider, Mrs Felch and Mr Bay who taught me that I'll hate math for the rest of my life, and Mr K and Mrs Gottliebson who taught me stuff about theater that has stayed with me all these years.

Dr Johnson at Otterbein College who I feel I owe my life, success, and my first child to. Not only did he teach me about music, but how to live life as an artist. How to run a class, expect the best out of people, and not to accept shit from students who should be doing better. Ed Vaughan, Dennis Romer, John Stefano, Chris Kirk, Stella, and Robert Behrens taking a guy who worked off his instincts and knew the rough outline of acting and trying to make something of me.

Now I'm back in school, as a grad student. In just a few months, I've dusted off the cobwebs and learned how to go about learning to develop my craft again. Thank you Kate Ingram, Tad Ingram, Chris Niess, Be Boyd, Julia Listengarten, Earl Weaver, Jim Brown, and Mark Brotherton for taking a chance on this 35 year old and beating the crap out of my bad habits and showing me new ways of looking at things that I've been studying for decades. A special shout out to David Lee who I was fortunate enough to TA for and left the semester with a stronger vocabulary, literature compilation, and being able to talk NY theater and art with a familiar Hell's Kitchen citizen. Even though I didn't even participate in the class, his words and lessons penetrated this sponge of knowledge I'm dealing with and just showed me you never know who you're affecting as a teacher.

That's the point of this blog. Here are a list of teachers and professors that have changed my life and educated me in order for me to change others. I didn't even go through the teachers I had to get my personal training certification, my acting coaches, voice coaches, audition coaches, etc. There is a power that teachers possess that is magical. We're all going to leave this earth one day. What are we going to leave on this earth is what is important. Teachers do that. They have so many students they don't realize what word, sentence, lesson, or advice they give that changes the path of a student forever. Teachers should get paid like athletes and actors. If you're really really good, you should be making 20 million a year. Thank you for every minute that every teacher has ever spent with me. I'm grateful for everything you have done for me and hope every student that has sat in front of you appreciates you as much.

Why I do what I do

I'm already upset with this blog because of its title. They do identify my belief in the theme of tonight's entry, though. Other titles on the short list were "Leave me the fuck alone", "I feel sorry for your future", and "Really, this is what you're worried about?". I have come to pleasantly accept that I'm a stream of conscious writer. I hardly do any editing from the time I sit down to the point I post the blog. I believe that stems from my wholly and holy belief in the magic of the moment right now. I do not fear making mistakes and I believe that since I've made 7,444,376,395,103,998 mistakes in my life and I can still wake up every day with money in my bank account, a smile on my face, and doing what I feel I was put on this earth to do, I learn from them and move on.

So, back to my title. I honestly feel that 30 people watch me a day (most likely more) and roll their eyes and say "if Jason would just do this, he would be so much happier and successful." Well, I haven't really come across anyone who is much happier than I am. And what is the standard for success? The theme of this semester/year for me is "I'm out of NYC for the first time in 12 years, I was an actor for a total of 12% of the time I was there, I worked three jobs, let the city run me down, let girlfriends put my life on hold, let money dictate my actions, didn't see theater on a daily basis, didn't audition on a daily basis, did everything half ass, didn't take full advantage of my opportunities, and where did that get me?" Writing on a blog about my experiences as the oldest member of my grad class and trying to figure out the world. And on the flip side, I am the happiest person every day when I get out of bed and the only thing that is going to hold me back from everything I've ever dreamed of, is me.

The inside joke in the grad class is that I act in too many of the undergrad's directing scenes. As I remember waking up at 7 am on saturdays, teaching at a preschool till 3, sprinting to my restaurant to work until 2 am, and then being back at the preschool at 9 am to work till 6pm......... I will act in 700 directing scenes a day if that means I can try different acting techniques (read previous blog entry), meet new artists, read new literature, get new ideas from the directing teachers, and meet other fellow actors who just might be a perfect fit in the theater/comedy company dream that nestles itself silently in the back of my brain. I get to wake up every day and create, collaborate, try things, fail at things, succeed at things, be part of a community that surprises me everyday, and learn and argue with professors who themselves believe and admit they are looking for as many answers as I am.

Because........(timpani drum)............it's all going to end very very soon. The one advantage I have above everyone else at this school is I've seen the other side. Although, I never judge anyone for this and hold it against them. I didn't realize it at that age. That's why this is MY blog. I'm giving my truest self to the world. I've played in the big leagues. I've fought in the equity wars, the chorus call wars, the casting director wars, and have survived with minor and major injuries. Suck it up now people. It all goes away!!! I feel like I am in the middle of a vacation and it doesn't seem fair that I get to do what I want everyday. Every Wednesday when I have the decision to either sit in the grad office and read a script, go to the practice room, act in a directing scene, sit and stare at the wall, say hi to someone new in the hallway, or bitch about my life...... I think about the 5 years that I sat on the N train at 2:45 and cursed my life that I was going to bartend and wished I didn't have money to worry about and could just sit at home and read a script, go to a practice room, act in a directing scene, sit and stare at a wall, or bitch....oh that's what I was doing.....bitching about my life.

I'm almost 33% done with my time at UCF. WTF???? That's the new generation's way of saying What the Fuck... (My parents read my blogs...it's a great form of communication...Love yooooooooooooooou!!) I do more in one week here than I did in 1 year in NYC. Even when we didn't have classes over the break or on weekends, since I wasn't forced to study and work, I didn't. When I graduate, I promise I'll go 4 months without trying to further my smarts or technique in acting. It's sad but true.

So that's why I do what I do. I'm soaking everything up now because I know what it's like to have nothing, and right now I feel like I have everything. The English Proverb says "We never know the worth of water till the well is dry". To all the people who toured the country and world with me doing unbelievable shows and getting paid on every Friday: Remember all the bitching about the mundane shit?? Doesn't seem so bad now, does it?? How's that catering gig at Foot Locker going?

I know this sounds bitter and a little superior, but as I say on a daily basis: I could be dead tomorrow and do I really want to spend my day bitching about something that will have no matter in my life in a week? That's what people do who gossip and worry about others more than themselves. They are bored with their own lives and at least someone out their is living a little. Reality shows?? Why do we care? So to sum up: Live every day tot he fullest. Block out the negativity. Do something today you've never done before. Because tomorrow might not be there.

Rehearsal

Rehearsals!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heaven. My playground. The sex room for my creativity. For years I used to view rehearsals as tedious, time consuming, and a waste of my talents until the real magic happened when there was an audience. I can't tell you when I converted to the ways of the artist, but I'm at a place now where I'd rather rehearse than actually perform. Rehearsals are the time to explore into the conscious and unconscious depths of our own minds and our characters. We do "plays" because that's what they should be. A time to play. The reason most actors don't have 9-5 jobs is because they don't want to "work". But the moment those actors get on stage and have 4 weeks to rehearse a show, they become narrow minded, stressed, academic, and goal oriented. Why? Because it all comes down to the nights of the performances. Will the people in the audience like them? Will they impress their friends? Will they impress their professors? Can they make other actors in the audience realize they are watching superior acting and should long to deliver lines the way they have crafted them to sound? That's all fucking horseshoe.

The only people who judge other actors performances are other actors. The general community goes to the theater to be entertained and usually are turned off by actors who are so into their own performances, how they look, and want to have all the attention when they're speaking. They don't know why they're turned off, probably because they're at the theater to enjoy themselves and they're confused why there is such banal crap in front of them. My professor Kate had the quote of the lifetime last week. In one of her heightened speeches to the masses (but only 8 of us are sitting there) she was criticizing us for making so many safe choices. "Why do millions of people go watch sports on a nightly basis? Because it's interesting! Challenging! Unpredictable! Attention grabbing! Why have millions of people stop going to the theater? Because it's boring! Predictable! Mundane! We've seen it before!!!" It's our job to grab the attention of our audiences and that's done by showing them a side of life they haven't experienced before.

Why do certain celebrities get so much fame and attention? Idiots like The Situation, Lindsay Lohan, and Charlie Sheen? Because they are 3 dimensional people who were are enamored by. By witnessing their actions and words, we cannot believe the things they do and are surprised daily by the things they actually continue to do. Why are we not able to do that as actors for the characters we play? We make the safest choices, play generic emotions, say our lines with no idea where it's coming from or what we want, forget about the element of surprise, and play all of the greatest characters written as any person that is walking down the street. What is so safe about Charlie Sheen? Wouldn't we pay big money to see someone play a character that they have flushed out as deep as Charlie Sheen? We have trouble finding the connection between words on a page and a full living, breathing character that affects the people around them in the same way.

We do this by rehearsing. 90% of actors will get their script, highlight their lines, memorize their lines, learn their blocking, say the lines they memorized, repeat that every single night until closing night of the show. They'll put the show on their resume, become facebook friends with everyone in the show, tell everyone what they hated about being in the show, and then try to get another show and repeat the process. Kill me.

I know certain actors who don't like to work with me. They consider myself slightly dangerous on stage, but never in the manner I'd hurt somebody. My core training has stemmed from the Atlantic Theater Company, Improv, and Meisner. In all three places, the rule is "We don't know what's going to happen on stage". That not only makes it exciting for the audience, but pretty fucking amazing for the actors too. By the time we open, we have a frame, we have very specific moments that need to happen, we have studied the role to know what might happen and what wouldn't happen, but besides that outline……………….Let's play. By the time the show opens, the exploration play lessens and the moments between actors are the times of unpredictability. But bring on rehearsal!!! Give me a playground, a director who wants to explore, and a cast who sees a vast land before them with the potential that we will build the next New York City, and I'm in heaven. I don't know the answers when I start a show. When I do find an answer, there's part of me that figures that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been doing it ABC lately, well I'll try XYZ, then I'll try ^$#. Who knows? It gives me an actor hard on to know that something that I find could change the way this character is perceived that has never been thought of before. Nothing feels better than being on stage with an actor that when you look them in the eye, you are both so comfortable with your characters that no matter what happens, you'll be able to respond truthfully and honestly and not ruin the show that has been written. That's why we love certain sitcom characters that we could put in any position and know how they'd react. Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, Kramer from Seinfeld, Barney from How I Met Your Mother. These are characters that we want to make every single show we ever do as rich as. The answers aren't in a book somewhere. They're from our past, our present, our imaginations, our collaborations, our intelligence, the children inside of us, our experiences, and an infinite amount of other places we hold inside of each and every one of us.

I'll leave you with this. Stop boring me. I'll stop boring you. Make me want to watch you, care about you, identify with you, love you, hate you, laugh at you, cry with you. Stop performing for me. Communicate with me. Get in the rehearsal room and explore as many parts as the character as you can in the allotted time. Because if someone was playing you on stage……..it would take them years to connect to who you truly are.

2nd Semester

First of all, I have received all of the emails and messages about concerns of my absence of writing, and it's overwhelming. I knew people read these, but I had no idea how many people did. Thank you thank you thank you.

So I've started my 2nd semester after spending three weeks with my family in Ohio. I had no idea how much that vacation was going to help. After everything that happened to me in the 2nd half of the year, it was nice to hug and laugh with my parents and look through the eyes of my niece for a bit and see how much fun and creatively the world can be.

Since being back, it's been a typical start for any semester. My best comparison is when you're running on a treadmill at a 7.0, jump off to the side to get some water and hop back on and try to get your feet moving as fast as the belt again. School is that belt and it's my job to get my feet moving as fast as I can to keep up and not fall off. I know what to expect this semester. I know how the days work. I know how long it takes me to get to this place from this place. I know that even though we have a 30 minute break, that really means 15. I'm learning how to pack my food for the day. I am becoming extremely conscious that this time in school is going to fly by. I'm 25% of the way done and already have the end of this semester in my scope. Part of that freaks me out. I came to grad school with a checklist of things I wanted to get done and achieve. Some of them are small and some will take more time.

I wanted to write and get some scripts and sketches written. I finished one script last semester. Alex and I start meeting this week to write our comedy and see where that takes us. Who knows, maybe we're the next Adam McKay and Will Ferrell.

I want to get the improv community in motion. I have scouted some clubs downtown and met some people who have a desire to start, but again it's the same old problem......time.

I wanted to build my knowledge of theater literature. As much as we read and talk about in class, I want to leave next year with at least being able to discuss the basics of every play, author, and musical. Sometimes the days go by so fast that I read them, but forget I have by the next week.

I want to build my song book and monologue rep. I'm entering a new phase in my age, looks, and maturity and can play different roles than I did in my 20's. My professor has taken me on and is having me learn and study musicals so that I can sing (and teach) them in the future. Thank you.

I want to become more flexible and get rid of all the habits that don't help me in my acting. What I learned last semester was that the main difference between me and some of the other grads is that some of my bad habits have been manifesting since before they were born. That's ok. We spend every day working on them and I've noticed leaps in certain areas but small progress in others.

I want to write, learn to play guitar better, watch the movies I've always wanted to, get in shape, explore, master my photography skills, and become a better cook. All of this is on my free time. What a funny concept. Free time! I try.

There are other personality things I've been working on and trying out. First of all: fun. In NYC, I forgot to have fun. I lived inside my head. I lived inside my head because it's how I survived. I protected myself from the city, bankruptcy, and others around me. Since I've been here I feel the weight of the world sliding off my shoulders and am able to relax in situations, monitor the severity of situations, and know that no matter what happens, it just doesn't matter and it'll be over whether we like it or not. My biggest frustration of coming back as a 34 year old and having spent time being an actor for over a decade, is that I'm in a different mindset than most of those around me. The biggest? That we spend more time dealing with theater in a day in school than most actors in the country spend in a year. Because there was so much absence of theater and creativity in my life in NYC, just stretching and talking about theater some days is enough to make me as giddy as a virgin on prom night. I try not to be pessimistic and would never show this to others, but no matter how talented you are, the day you leave school might be the last day you ever perform again. Talent is 5% of getting work. Luck and timing is 95% of it and you can chip away at that 95% by knowing everyone in the business, writing your own projects, knowing what places to hang out, doing as many shitty shitty projects as possible just to be seen and meet people, taking classes so you meet people and teachers, teach your own classes because your students will work more than you and maybe think of you, and surrounding yourself at least 10 hours a day with artists, actors, directors, producers, and writers.

That's what I've been able to work on here. Chipping away at that 95%. I try, I fail, I succeed, I experiment, I walk away, I envelope myself, and I don't know the answer. I have learned that I have to give up control and allow things around me to happen the way they do. Unfortunately, I have to release that desire in me to avoid disappointing others. I usually don't care what others think of me, but I do care about letting people down. I am making conscious decisions to avoid that. My therapist once said to me, who cares what other people think if you're happy and it's not hurting anyone? So true. There are many who live in this world that think, "If you would just do it like this or do it my way, everyone would be happy, and here's why......" Sorry, I don't have time for that anymore. That is a teacher's mentality. That's a therapist's mentality. Not for me as an actor or artist. I am concerned about myself, my well being, my happiness, my career, my growth, and my sanity.

I am opening. Not resisting anymore. Resisting just leaves me safe from what I think is so bad. Guess what? It's not. It's really not.

2011

As my dad, mom, and I sat in our pajamas and watched a comedian on HBO at midnight last night, it occurred to me just how different each year is. Some years I've bartended until 6 in the morning, some years I've been drunk, some years I've been on tour, some years I've kissed someone at midnight (my dad was very friendly last night), and some years have alternated between optimism and pessimism. I don't know what this year will bring. I had no idea 365 days ago what was in store for me this year. Is there a point in making resolutions? Should we expect the worst and anything above that is considered grand? Can a resolution be just surviving each day? Should we try to change the world each day? What if it can be something as simple as making someone smile each day or difficult as finding true love this year? Whatever we choose to be our resolutions, are we trying to predict our future or give us ourselves a roadmap of the year? What will I be doing in 365 days? Will I even be alive? Will I be sitting next to my dad having a farting contest or on a villa in Europe waiting to hear about my next big project?

What were my resolutions last year? To get in shape: that didn't work. Get into grad school: success. Become as efficient in theater literature as I could: Will I ever consider myself there? To make my girlfriend the happiest human being on earth: in a very indirect way, I did, she's happy now. Success! To go to bed every night a better person than I was when I woke up: hit and miss. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's a friend, but I make sure someone is happy.

So where does that leave me now? Should I make resolutions? Just because I make them, doesn't mean they have to be accomplished as seen from experience. So here goes my 34 resolutions ( I realize next year I'll have to have 35):

1) I'm going to find a cure for cancer

2) I will marry Reese Witherspoon after her next divorce

3) I'll lose 3 pounds.

4) I'll finally live by the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'll realize I'm a fucking idiot."

5) I will find the artistic integrity in Jersey Shore, Keeping with the Kardashians, and Teen Moms.

6) I will perform in Spiderman the Musical without getting injured.

7) Become a copy of another celebrity other than Jeremy Piven. Maybe Wendy Williams.

8) Dedicate my year to finding a cure to Bieber Fever.

9) Get on the cover of People Magazine's World's Sexiest Man.

10) Win the Pulitzer, Nobel, Tony, Emmy, Grammy, and Academy. But piss on the Golden Globes.

11) Convert at least 10 people to SiriusXM satellite radio because normal radio is a big pile of steaming dung.

12) Sell my stuff to a tattoo parlor.

13) Find the spirit of Groundhog's Day in my heart.

14) Avoid my birthday.

15) Figure a way out to express to my parents that they are 95% of the reason I am where I am and that I can survive through each day.

16) Oh.....win an AVN award

17) Just like every year, get a part in a movie that they will make an action figure of my character

18) Kill Osama Bin Laden

19) Convince the godhatesfags.com idiots that one of their children is gay and watch the comedy pursue.

20) Sign with the Miami Heat

21) Somehow convince people that even though I can't drink for medical purposes, I'm no different than other people I know.

22) Invent a device that is an ipod, blu ray, i phone, automobile, house, and sex machine all in one.

23) Stand on the floor of congress and look at both parties and say "You both suck. There are millions of people who are counting on you. Take an acting class and learn how to collaborate"

24) Make a perfect souffle cake

25) See the Grand Canyon

26) Pick all 65 games correctly in a March Madness bracket bet.

27) Be able to recite every line that Shakespeare wrote from memory.

28) Take the self conscience, low self esteem, and judgement side of my brain and throw it out the window, hopefully it lands on Osama Bin Laden, and kill them both.

29) Maybe give Kaley Cuoco a chance, she is constantly wanting me. It gets tiresome.

30) Get in the kind of shape that people mistake me for Ryan Reynolds with Jeremy Piven's face and acting technique. Or Wendy Williams.

31) Prepare to run a marathon in 2012.

32) Start taking headshots for actors

33) Find the nuances in everything and keep my passion for human beings, fitness, the arts, and education going. Try to spread my knowledge and experience and soak in those of others so that we as a community can make the world a better, happier, smarter, and artistic place to live.

34) Try to change the world, one day at a time.

So here's to a new year. Our default day that we say we have a new slate. Why it's this day and can't be any day of the year to make that decision is beyond me. To health, happiness, security, family, friendship, trust, education, taking chances, optimism, love, and creating through all of the days of 2011.