Fourth Day of Summer

The seniors are graduating tomorrow. They'll hear "starting a new chapter" and 1000 other variations on that phrase. They are starting a new chapter..... the first of a 67 chapter book. I don't have any good advice for any of them. Life sucks. What you think is right tomorrow is wrong the next day and vice versa. You'll do most of your changing in the first few years out of school, and then when you're 30 you'll say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING WHEN I WAS 22!!!!!!" Then you'll want to go back and kick the shit out of that person. Everything that you think will be in 5 years, won't. Everything you think will be in 10 years, won't have a chance of existing by then. You'll leave school, face the world and say "Why didn't I work harder in school?" You'll spend the next 5 years finding any single morsel of anything that will make you feel comfortable and safe.

That's the bad stuff. The inevitable. Here's my advice: If you are an artist, live the life you always wanted to live. Don't settle for mediocrity. There's enough mediocrity already out there. Fly to heights that you never even comprehended. There are no limits to what we are able to do as artists, but for some reason we choose to take the safe route. Art has become safe. Art has become a safety net in financial decisions. You are waaaaaaaay too young to be worried about the safe choices. Surprise yourselves. Surprise others. Fucking take a chance. I've sat in auditions in NYC and 95 out 100 actors make the choices they think we want to see. Fuck that. You are an individual. You are different than every other human being walking the planet. Trust yourself. Follow your heart and jump. Fill yourself with life and happiness and the trials and tribulations you face will be easier. There is no way in hell you are going to avoid them, but what are you going to do about them?

I can tell you to avoid making the same mistakes I made, but that's ALOT of avoiding. Learn from your mistakes and trust them. Always be growing as an artist. Surround yourself with brilliant people. Avoid people who make you feel less than perfect and stunt your growth. Life is too short for that. Do something everyday that will expand your heart, mind, and life. Don't take anything for granted. If it brings you happiness.....please don't take it for granted.

The problem is, I'm not talking to the graduates right now. I'm talking to every single one of you reading this. I don't care if you're 18, 25, 35, or 45. I'm speaking to the artist inside of you. Take a chance. You deserve perfection in what you want. There are enough things you will face in life that will hold you back, don't choose to collect more than you want to.

As I write this, I'm trying to speak to myself too. Telling myself I deserve everything I always dreamt I should have is the hardest thing in the world..... that's what she said. I'm a preparer. I collect things. I have stash of tools and talents that are just waiting to come out when life calls upon them to show themselves. They do present themselves and I shy away from them. I protect myself from going after something. I always think there's another day to get it done. I protect myself from truly embracing life. I'm scared. Guess what. I'm fucking scared out of my skull. Time and time again I have had beautiful opportunities show themselves or be given to me and I sabotage them. My God how I've sabotaged them. It makes me sick to my stomach the countless ways I have sabotaged them. Almost to the point that I believed I deserved nothing and that was what I deserved.

Well Jason....No More.

Here we go........

Third Day of Summer

Driving down the 408, I'm listening to Raw Dog on SiriusXM and Adam Sandler's "Mayor of Pussytown" comes on. Without thinking, I pull up to the toll booth to pay my overpriced fee. The wonderful African American woman was simply doing her job and taking my toll which was 98 cents overpriced and I was sort of bopping to the music. As she turned to give me my change, "MAYOR OF PUSSYTOWN" comes blaring out of my broken down very white speakers. We make eye contact, breaking down hundreds of years of racial inequality, more judgement on her part than mine, I give a sheepish smile, she rolls her eyes, and I cruise my pimp ride further on down Orlando's overpriced concrete.

Second Day of Summer

I walked up to my pool today in my apartment complex and I was the only one there. The water was extremely still. So still I could see the details in the things it was reflecting. It had almost a sense of ice it was so neutral. I dipped my foot in it and the ripples began. Even though I was on one far end I watched the ripples go the entire distance until there was no stillness left. The trees that seem to be painted on the water were now flowing and wafting along with the current.

This is what I do, as an actor and a teacher. I can only hope to make some sort of impact that will start minds racing, inspiration lifted, and open new doors so that the ripples will continue on and affect more and more as they leave me. It's the putting the foot in the water that can be done 100 different ways. Within the laws of physics, it doesn't matter how you disturb the water, it only matters that you do. Too many people walk around the edge and are scared of the temperature.

First Day of Summer

What does any normal 35 year old who has just finished his first year of grad school at 3pm today do at 4pm? Throw a 19 ounce steak on the grill and read David Mamet's newest book, Theatre, which pretty much negates every single thing I learned this year... or ever. Want to gain some confidence in all your acting training and how it's going to help you? Don't read this book. Want the secrets of how to become the greatest actor in the world? Don't read this book. In perfect Mamet form, the man who changed my life when I read True and False, has done it again and drilled in me the fact that an actor's job is to tell the story. That's it. Leave your ego and all the "tricks" that you've picked up and tell the fucking story.

I don't agree with everything he says, I never have, but it's always an eye opener to read his stuff. It helps get me out of my head and stop thinking so much. We tell stories and "act" all day long and say "text" and always are going after something. Although, when we get on stage, it's like we forget how to do everything going all the way down to breathing. We suck. That's why kids are such great performers. They're honest and they believe what they're saying and they don't give a fuck who Stanislavsky, Hagen, Strasberg, or Meisner are.

That's all I got right now. Happy summer. 4 months till classes begin. Oh Mamet would be so happy.

Oh Grad School

I'm done with one year. What the fuck. What have I learned? Let's see if I can make it short:

As human beings, and artists, we try to communicate a story to someone else through behavior and speech. Everything we do with our bodies, including voice, either tells the audience what we want them to know or not. We are humans that possess an emotional life that develops everyday of our life and we have a feeling towards everything no matter how small or large that is. Over time we build habits in our bodies that protect us from feeling and being comfortable in every situation. Those habits get in the way of communicating, breathing, speaking, and sharing our emotional life with others. Grad school is to teach us how to get out of our own way when we're on stage. As actors, we are full of tensions, mannerisms, and defense mechanisms that keep us from being as true to the emotional life of the character and play that can be. Emotions and behavior are found in the breath.

In the past 20 years, I have found every possible way to protect myself from my emotions and in turn, have kept myself from feeling really bad. I have dealt with depression on and off for over 20 years. I have dealt with anxiety, fear, panic, anger, self doubt, and countless other things that have kept me from fulfilling my dreams and kept me at an arms length of everything I've ever wanted. With three weeks to go in school, some things have triggered in my body and life and I'm a vulnerable open soul that is dealing with demons of my past and living in the now. Guess what? It fucking sucks. It sucks like a prostitute in Times Square in the 80's. It sucks like the show "Shit My Dad Says". I'm now out of my head and into my body and guess what? Summer Vacation!!! Oh good! Now I have nothing to do all day but live in this open sucky state.

I'm ok. At the end of the day it doesn't kill me. It keeps me from being hyper and passionate, but that should come with time. I'm not protecting myself. Really, I don't give a fuck what other people think of me. All I care about is myself. I'm not going to stop caring about others. I will always care about others. I'm feeling. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm close to being a real actor.

I've realized for the 6,876th time in my life, life isn't fair and unfortunately, it doesn't seem to get easier on the 6,877th time. It's how the hero rises from this that's important. One step at a time. One scene at a time. One breath at a time. One day at a time. One class at a time. What is my character's arch? Have I lived the best that I could have so far? Not at all and that means two things. 1) When the best does happen, the amount of happiness and excitement is more than I've ever felt in my life, and that is going to world changing 2) It's not going to be easy. Actually, it's going to be harder than I anticipated. And that my friends, scares the living shit out of me but I do, I do, I do believe in myself and know that I'm capable of accomplishing it.

I love my family.

How do I what?

"So Jason, how does that make you feel?".......... What? I don't know if you understand. I'm a 35 year old heterosexual male who watches sports, bartends, and works out. I don't feel. Or if I do, I try to repress those feelings and shove them down as low as possible. What? I'm an actor and that might be the reason I only made it as far as I have so far? What do you mean I have to start feeling? Why don't you just replay every game that a team from Cleveland has played and I'm sure I'll tap into anger, disappointment, and utter defeat. I don't think you understand, when I feel, that means I become vulnerable, and that leads to pain and confusion. If I control my feelings I can almost assure you that I'll always be happy and hysterical! I don't like that you say if I repress my feelings they're going to explode out one day and make every minute of every hour extremely difficult to get through. Oh..... so that's what's been happening these past couple weeks. I liked being silly. I don't like this real shit. I'm actually getting back to the point where I'm shoving all those feelings right back to where they can't be seen or felt again!!! Yay Jason!!!

When did it occur in my life that guys don't cry? Why do I resist feeling normal human emotions when I'm on stage? My brain is involved. I might not be as smart as my brother, but for some reason I can never turn off my brain when I get involved with something. An artist is supposed to feel from the gut. The blood, organisms, energy, and life is what dictates my work, but for some reason I feel I can outsmart everything. One of my professors told me that everything I do I relate to 9/11 and of course things don't trigger an emotion in me like that did. Let's see: I get sad when terrorists invade my city and 3,000 of my neighbors get murdered. So what is the proper emotion when my pet dies in a play? It's something that a weighted scale doesn't have much impact on.

I have to feel. I have to let myself be affected by things. I need to stop thinking my way through events. I need to let movies have an emotional effect on me other than Major League, Field of Dreams, Hoosiers, and Miracle. Maybe if I only do plays about sports I should be just fine.

Trying to Figure It Out

I've been going through a ridiculous phase of depression, anxiety, and/or panic. My body has been in constant flux. I've been nauseous. I've been confused. I've been static. I've been banging my head on the wall. With a nice conversation over some sand papering of neutral masks with my buddy Alex tonight, I finally was able to set up a visual description of what has been bothering me for a week and years.

Let me try to write a description of this image I have. That sounds stupid. This isn't an answer to anything. I'm actually opening it up for description. It's how I feel right now.

I feel the life of an artist is that of a circle. More specifically a roller coaster that just spins in a circle at a pretty rapid pace. Everything we work on has a beginning and an end, then we begin, then it ends, then we begin something else, then that ends, and so on and so on. Actors who are successful go round and round with their projects but it starts as a horizontal coaster, just a few feet off the ground, it gets higher, then vertical, then higher, until you can see it off the interstate as you're approaching the amusement park and that's the ride you want to get on. I almost see the roller coaster's rising as levels on a video game. You beat that guy you get to level 2, then to level 3, and once you get to level 4, you can never go below that level if you should die. Once you get to level 10, you do anything you can not to die because you'd go all the way back to level 4.

Well here's the situation I feel I'm in. My roller coaster consists of one loop and a whole bunch of smaller loops that extend from that big loop. My car has been going around that main loop for years and years. That's my level 1 loop. It's only a few feet off the ground. I've been on that loop for a loooong time. I have been on many outside loops in the past 16 years which include, but not limited to: being on tour, living in NYC, girlfriends, playing guitar in concert, doing photography, reading, writing, singing, producing, AEA, AFTRA, countless classes, directing, choral conducting, sing doo wop, theory, projects, movies, tv shows, books, physical training, working with kids, bartending, meeting people, and many other things that have occupied my days, months, and years. The thing that pisses me off is that none of my outside loops have exceeded level 4 and beyond. As written in my previous entry, what I've noticed is that my mistakes and minimal drive to follow through with things has kept me from raising the levels on any of them. I go round and round on one of them and eventually get shot back to the Level 1 main loop that by now, feels like a chaffed ass on a hot summer day.

My frustration is my inability to really strengthen any of my specifics. That's not exactly what my frustration is, it's the fact that I hold every possible thing I need to succeed in doing that but somehow find a way not to. Is it the fear of success? Do I believe I should be completely happy? Do I fear growing older? Do I sabotage myself? Do I have too many interests and can't focus on just one? Am I scared to fail? Why do I continuously think that it will get done one day and not believe and trust that today could be the day? That last question stings me. I procrastinate better than anyone I know, almost to the point that I hijack my progress, and ultimately, the career I could have had.

I'm amazing when I have a deadline. I might just hire someone to be a full time professor and life coach and punish me when I don't follow through. Actually, that sounds like a dominatrix and that's for something totally different.

I'm sick of watching people pass me up and succeed while I stay one step behind for whatever reason I can come up with. It's my fault. I keep that car on the level 1 loop and it goes around and around and it's starting to make me very sick. I strive for stimulus and a new loop, and then I avoid it or ruin it. It's not every day when you can map out the wrongdoings of your life. Then turn around and get scared that you've seen a lot of years pass by and you didn't hop on for the ride. Everybody says that 35 isn't old, but lately I've been feeling just a tad bit slower on trusting the fact that everything is going to work out the way it should be. What is that "should be"? I don't know.