Eighteenth Day of Summer

Blogger was down. SoI slacked. Missed 9 days. The Indians are still in first place but I always tiptoe when it comes to Cleveland sports.

"Level of commitment gives level of presence"

"Presence requires being aware. It requires you allowing others to have an impact on you"

"Confidence is static. Determination is active"

"Talking about acting is like thinking about swimming. Neither one does anything"

"What is required for making art is insatiable curiosity"

"A man's work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great simple images in whose presence his heart first opened"

"Your passion must be greater than your chains or you cannot create art"

"A diamond is a lump of coal that has stuck with it"

" Should we artists align ourselves with the sane , or shall we take a chance, and walk with our pain, or the pain of others- in order to tell their stories perhaps- to let them know that someone understands?"

"Faith requires discipline and a lot of imagination"

"I take my foolishness very seriously"

As an actor, to be fully in "the moment" and to embrace every thing that is happening in the moment, there is absolutely no room for judgement. Judgement on yourself, on others, or moments that are happening. I find this hysterical because I think actors are the most judgmental people in the entire world and I believe no one is talented enough to turn it on and off when they are on stage. The only way to become judge free on stage is to become judge free in real life. When I'm done trying to change peoples' minds about that I'm going to take on the challenge of running a marathon under two hours.

Ninth Day of Summer

Flippin through pages of an issue of Rolling Stone Magazine. Let's see here: Do I read an in depth article on Justin Bieber or turn the next page and read about the history of The Clash? Seriously, I hate to sound old, but what the hell happened to music? Why do I feel that Justin Bieber should not have one article written about him in that magazine. It's probably the same side of me that hates anyone who hosts Saturday Night Live who isn't naturally funny. I love to tune in and see how great Paris Hilton is at sketch comedy. Fucking bitch. It's all about selling to the masses. Damnit!

I deal with this with my roommate. She listens to music that I label "pure shit". She loves it and I have to accept that, but it does absolutely nothing for me. I think it's more about the words now? Who can say the most fucked up shit and get away with the most and offend the most people? Put a bass beat behind it and you're good. I'm told that they have a talent, but I've heard the one song that they all have produced and I get it. I don't even like all the music that rock groups are playing now. I'm addicted to classic rock when the music fucking soared above all levels of creativity and talent. speaking of lyrics, we all know where Puff the Magic Dragon lived and where Lucy was with her diamonds. They were sold on their talents, not their looks. And the more drugs they did, the crazier their music was. They didn't do drugs as a status symbol. They didn't write music to talk about how they did drugs or had sex. They wrote music on the drugs and when they were done, then they had sex. Lots and lots of sex, and they didn't have to advertise it to anyone. I mean have you see Pete Towsend? The Rolling Stones are not a handsome group of men. Tom Petty and Bob Dylan didn't have a pussy posse. Believe me, if Pink Floyd would have written and performed the songs that Britney Spears, any of the assholes on American Idol, or anything that's on the sound track to Jersey Shore, they would have had to pack up their flying pigs and go back to England. I don't hear anyone taking chances in music anymore. You can sell a look now. It's hard to sell heart.

I'm old. I get it.

Eighth Day of Summer

"As an artist, I must take time to see. It is not healthy for me as an artist to be turned to an inner movie, always watching the "what if, if only I had's". "What if" and "if only" are poison to the artist. They throw us into the past. They dull our lens on the passing world. And it is in the passing world that inspiration lies in wait for us. If I live in the "then" instead of the "now", the art dries up"

"The doing of something productive regardless of the outcome is an act of faith. Faith means going forward by whatever means we can"

"All creative acts are acts of initiative. Art is born, but not without labor on our part. We must be willing to reach inside and draw forth what we find there."

"Wherever you are is the entry point"

"If we give something our attention, we rest our creativity on it..if we put our attention on the wrong things, they steal our energy and leave us impotent while pulling unsavory experiences into our lives"

"Finally, one just has to shut up, sit down, and write"

"Shame impacts creativity. It makes it difficult to create. Shame shuts us down, shuts us out, shuts us off"

"Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, to rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts"

Today as I baked myself to medium well in the pool, I read for about 5 hours. Everything I'm reading right now has to do with theater, creativity, art, being an artist, 9/11, or sports. This past semester in Avant Garde class we discussed how Genet went to prison and did all of writing and reading in their. Now that's what I call nothing to do but commit to your art. If I was in prison, between anal gang rapes, I'd read every single book ever written. I'd write as much as possible. When I thought about it today, I have that wish, I can do all those things, except getting the anal gang rape, but my roommate is a sweetheart and if I just ask.....

Tomorrow I have nothing to do. Nothing. I'm going to go to the gym and then for...oh let's say..... 10 hours I'm going to try to memorize a monologue, write a few pages to my 9/11 show, read a play, and start writing a script of an idea that came to me today. If I should get a lot of that accomplished, anal rapes for everyone!!!!

I need to stay out of the sun. I'm getting to be like Wesley Snipes black. I was Obama black yesterday, and slowly moving past Bill Cosby black now.

My favorite quote above is "Sit down, shut up and write". I think that says it all. Stop the bullshit and do something. We can talk ourselves out of anything and I'm the all time con artist of procrastination.

Seventh Day of Summer

"breakthroughs occur when focused, rational thought and activity are followed by a period of release."

"Intellect can be an actor's nemesis. The brain specializes in doing things that automatically jeopardize creative fluidity. The brain makes judgements; the brain protects us; the brain analyzes a situation: none of these things is conducive to acting. Being in your head cuts off the flow of creativity"

"acting is not about mass acceptance, it's about self acceptance"

"creativity is our species' natural response to the challenges of human experience"

I also saw Thor. I believe that movie was one hour and 53 minutes of action, and 2 minutes of Thor being shirtless and every girl in the theater going into a dreamlike fantasy that I was not part of in any way or fashion. If I had showed up in that fantasy, it would probably be to take out the trash or tell Thor the next girl is waiting.

Sixth day of Summer

Although I have been performing for almost 20 years, tonight was the first night I attended a screening of two films I was in. The UCF Film department did 18 shorts and all were screened tonight. Long night but I learned quite a lot.

First and foremost, as an actor, I forgot how much film is such a different beast than stage. I feel the most important thing for an actor to do is tell the story. The most important thing for a film maker to do is tell the story. Let's cross fingers and toes that the two together are telling the same story and the actor is giving the director what they what at the right time so the story can be told and the audience isn't distracted by frivolous things. The actor can give a performance of a lifetime but the camera, sound, or lights might not catch it right. The film crew could make the most beautiful shot, but if the actor falls short, it looks amateurish.

Stage is for the moment, film lasts forever. I can do something with my face on stage if something hits me a weird way and people will forget about it in 10 seconds. When I do it during a take and the director decides to use it, that double chin is set in stone forever. When you see yourself on film, you instantly freak out and are afraid to do anything in fear that it'll look stupid on screen, but then doing nothing looks strange and you sit there pounding your head as the rest of the audience watches having no clue why you're behaving the way you are.

Nothing feels better than telling a joke five months ago and getting a laugh for it tonight. Then to forget you set up and delivered a joke five months ago, and then it get a laugh is even better. Comedy on film is complete faith. I can feel and read an audience when I'm on stage and manipulate them. On film, you have to trust yourself and imagine how it would be delivered if the audience was there when you're filming it.

Nothing like losing 17 pounds in the past month and then seeing yourself 17 pounds heavier out of nowhere and wondering who that person was the on screen.

It's all about story. Write the story, act the story, film the story. That's all we're doing kids. Changing the world with words, voice, and movement.

Fifth Day of Summer

Thank you to every friend and family member I talked to today. For some reason, maybe something is in the new Britta filters, today turned into emotional Friday for all of us. By all of us, I mean the grad students that are here right now. Unfortunately I found out tonight that I will not be walking at my graduation unless I take out another student loan. Congratulations! Here's a piece of paper. Now give us more money!! That's not why I was upset. I could care less.

Something hit me the moment I woke up this morning and saw all the postings on facebook for graduation. I don't even do that for 2 more years but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Jealousy raged through me with sprinkles of scared shitless. I remember June of 1998 when I put my cap on my cascading flow of hair on my head and knew I'd be leaving for NYC in September. I remember the hopes, dreams, confidence, girlfriend, doubts, and carefree attitude I had then. 13 years later, all of those have changed. Not for the worse, but they definitely have changed.

Referring back to my previous entries, I always have a pool of anxiety brewing in me because the world is moving forward and opportunities are continuing to blossom everywhere. More times than not, I haven't taken advantage or run away. I'm going to be graduating in 2 years...again....with the world at my feet and dreaming of what I want to happen. The problem is I feel I sort of failed the first time and now I'm going to have to face it again with a 50/50 chance of it happening again. People will argue with me that I have accomplished a lot, but there's still a gaping hole inside me that hasn't been filled. I do and I don't know what it will take to fill that.

Then my buddy, my chum, my partner in crime, Alex, left with his beautiful girlfriend to California tonight and I'll see them again in August. I feel like I lost part of myself tonight that LA gets to have for the meantime. This is the person I feel pushes me the most here and I'm scared I might take a step back.

My roommate is amazing and has put up with my shit for the past month or so. She has her own struggles but puts up with everyone elses on top of them. She's a rock. She's not a therapist but hears whatever fucked up hell that is going through my mind at any given moment and hasn't called anyone to come admit me to the loony bin.

"If we imbibe....a belief in the perfectibility of art and the artist, we will be hard pressed in later life to adopt a more practicable view. Art is about the spontaneous connection of the artist and his own unconscious- about insight beyond reason. If his insight is reasonable, anyone could do it, but anyone cannot. Only a few can, and they are called artists...... Drama is a mystery. It is the exploration of the unconscious. ....There is, in truth, no "emotion" work or "preparation" done by the actor that can be better than his spontaneity." David Mamet, Theatre.

It is at these moments I feel my creative mind is at its best, but goddamn it hurts so much. I feel like I'm Antonin Artaud resurrected at times. My job is to entertain. My job is to give the audience something new. My job is to allow the audience to feel or think or free their mind. My job is to create life.

What do you do with a degree in theater? There is no answer to that. It's whatever you want to do with it. Do you want to become a waiter? You will. Do you want to become the next Kerry Butler or Kevin Kline? You will. Do you want to become the next Neil Labute or David Yazbeck? You will.

My problem has been that I have never raised the bar enough for myself. I became a waiter. I became a preschool teacher. I became a bartender. I became a facebook stalker. I became a personal trainer. I became a photographer. I became a boyfriend. I became a roommate. I became a studier of improv. I became an audition expert. I became a coach. I became a taker of acting classes. I became a blogger. I became a caterer. I became an audience member. I became a New Yorker. What was missing? I didn't become the artist I always wanted to become. I didn't find/pursue/or maintain the kind of love I longed for. I didn't write a show. I didn't take control of the stage when I could. I never wrote the guitar songs I wanted to. I never spent most of my day creating.

My entire faith and trust falls into the thought that "IT ISN'T TOO LATE". I know I'm not old, but I do find myself wrestling with myself on it. I know I have so much life ahead of me. I'm smarter. I'm handsome. I'm fucking hysterical. I'm driven. I'm passionate. I'm spontaneous. I'm athletic. I have common sense. I'm inspiring. I care. I'm a wonderful human being.

So......I've made mistakes and I've been scared. When do I raise the bar?

Fourth Day of Summer

The seniors are graduating tomorrow. They'll hear "starting a new chapter" and 1000 other variations on that phrase. They are starting a new chapter..... the first of a 67 chapter book. I don't have any good advice for any of them. Life sucks. What you think is right tomorrow is wrong the next day and vice versa. You'll do most of your changing in the first few years out of school, and then when you're 30 you'll say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING WHEN I WAS 22!!!!!!" Then you'll want to go back and kick the shit out of that person. Everything that you think will be in 5 years, won't. Everything you think will be in 10 years, won't have a chance of existing by then. You'll leave school, face the world and say "Why didn't I work harder in school?" You'll spend the next 5 years finding any single morsel of anything that will make you feel comfortable and safe.

That's the bad stuff. The inevitable. Here's my advice: If you are an artist, live the life you always wanted to live. Don't settle for mediocrity. There's enough mediocrity already out there. Fly to heights that you never even comprehended. There are no limits to what we are able to do as artists, but for some reason we choose to take the safe route. Art has become safe. Art has become a safety net in financial decisions. You are waaaaaaaay too young to be worried about the safe choices. Surprise yourselves. Surprise others. Fucking take a chance. I've sat in auditions in NYC and 95 out 100 actors make the choices they think we want to see. Fuck that. You are an individual. You are different than every other human being walking the planet. Trust yourself. Follow your heart and jump. Fill yourself with life and happiness and the trials and tribulations you face will be easier. There is no way in hell you are going to avoid them, but what are you going to do about them?

I can tell you to avoid making the same mistakes I made, but that's ALOT of avoiding. Learn from your mistakes and trust them. Always be growing as an artist. Surround yourself with brilliant people. Avoid people who make you feel less than perfect and stunt your growth. Life is too short for that. Do something everyday that will expand your heart, mind, and life. Don't take anything for granted. If it brings you happiness.....please don't take it for granted.

The problem is, I'm not talking to the graduates right now. I'm talking to every single one of you reading this. I don't care if you're 18, 25, 35, or 45. I'm speaking to the artist inside of you. Take a chance. You deserve perfection in what you want. There are enough things you will face in life that will hold you back, don't choose to collect more than you want to.

As I write this, I'm trying to speak to myself too. Telling myself I deserve everything I always dreamt I should have is the hardest thing in the world..... that's what she said. I'm a preparer. I collect things. I have stash of tools and talents that are just waiting to come out when life calls upon them to show themselves. They do present themselves and I shy away from them. I protect myself from going after something. I always think there's another day to get it done. I protect myself from truly embracing life. I'm scared. Guess what. I'm fucking scared out of my skull. Time and time again I have had beautiful opportunities show themselves or be given to me and I sabotage them. My God how I've sabotaged them. It makes me sick to my stomach the countless ways I have sabotaged them. Almost to the point that I believed I deserved nothing and that was what I deserved.

Well Jason....No More.

Here we go........