Damnit

I hate this whole honesty thing. I started school today. I won't go into any details but it was just an awful summer. I couldn't even write this blog because I didn't know how to put it into words. Very long story short, I'm single again and now I face the next few years and challenges they bring, alone. You want vulnerability? Here I am. You want full expression of emotion? Here I am. You want me to be unpredictable and in touch with my moment to moment feelings? Here I am. I live in an apartment by myself. I shop and cook for myself. I pay the bills for and by myself. I myself, alone.

The only reason I feel I have to write this is because this is a defining moment in my life. This blog is about how grad school is going to affect me, my life, and my thoughts on theater. The things that happen in my life are going to affect my training, my thought patterns, and way I face each task in the classroom. I don't even feel that I write this because I want someone to feel sorry for me or I just want to vent. My state of mind right now at this very instance is going to play more of a role in my journey in school than anything else I can imagine.

I'm excited, but scared. My self esteem has disappeared. I need to find it. I have more emotions to tap into in my scene work and teaching. I have absolutely no idea how the journey that I face in front of me will be affected by my frame of mind right now. Only the next two years of writing will answer that.