29th Day of Summer

For all of you who have kids, you're going to laugh in my face. For those who know me, you're going to laugh in my face.

1st Day of Babysitting my 6 yr old niece, Tatum.

7:30 am- Woke up to her face right in mine saying "Uncle Jason, daddy told me to wake you"

7:37 am- Finally got my whereabouts and got up. She had been standing at the door for the past 7 minutes waiting to come downstairs with her.

7:45 am- Received instructions from the task master that she would like her toast not toasted, with butter, and no crusts. She reminds me not to forget the blueberries.

7:50-7:52 am- Looked around the kitchen for her vitamins until she rolled her eyes at me and got them herself.

8 am- I finally had my morning pee

8:20 am- Watched 10 minutes of some acid induced thing that was on the Disney channel with her until I started playing Pink Floyd to see if it matched up with the video.

8:30 am- Put on Peter Pan for her

8:32 am- Sat down to some light reading of the 9/11 Commission Report

8:33 am- Had to chase and kill the huge fly that was flying around her

9:02 am- Successfully killed the fly

9:07 am- She got tired of Peter Pan and we played Barbie cars on the back porch

9:10 am- Called the prince by the wrong name and she rolled her eyes and left me to play by myself.

10 am- She informed me of her bathroom going ons

10:15 am- She thought I was ridiculous when I told her about mine

11 am- Got into argument because I didn't know any fancy ways to "do" her hair. Was informed that brushing it did not consist of "doing anything" with her hair. I tried to use the excuse that I was a boy and didn't know anything fancy. She challenged me with the fact that my brother is a boy but no one was there to laugh when I said "Not really". She rolled her eyes and said "what about a clip". She didn't find it funny when I replied "What about it?".

11:15 am- She got dressed and I put her hair up as close to what I thought Cindi Lauper would have worn in 1984.

11:17-11:22 am- Looking for a bandaid because the small cut on her foot is rubbing against her sock until she rolls her eyes at me and gets the bandaid herself. She does not find it amusing after I put the bandaid on I fake that I have paddles in my hands and have to shock her heart back to life. She rolls her eyes and walks away.

11:30 am- Went to Dave and Busters to play games. All of the waitresses gave me a lot of attention cause it looked like....well face it....I was fucking adorable walking in with her and us laughing with each other.

11:45 am- She hits the jackpot on the fishing game and wins 1000 tickets. I'm so proud.

12:06 pm- I teach her how to play skeet ball and she gets a 20 and says that's the most she ever got and I start getting teary eyed.

12:10 pm- I flirt with most of the waitresses

12:17 pm- Security notifies me that they found her.... her who?

1:00 pm- We leave Dave and Busters with an oversized horse and I make her say "I love you so much UNCLE Jason loud enough for everyone there to hear.

1:08 pm- She complains that the air isn't on in the car. I haven't started the car yet.

1:30-3pm- We eat lunch and both watch the Disney channel and I watch dozen of teen actors who have more talent than their writers and actually get sucked into the plot of some shows and even get upset a few times that the realism was skipped over at a few places.

1:32 pm- Finally can put Selena Gomez's face with the name. Please don't become the next Lindsay.

3pm- She wants to go over to her neighbor's house to play and they play until 4 while I read the 9/11 Commission Report and figure out how to get Osama and Al Qaeda into my show without shoving it down the audiences' faces. They want to murder infidels, but more importantly Americans, and not women and children, because all of us are infidels.

4:15 pm- Have a tea party with Tatum, the 2 horses, and the baby Tiana doll.

4 pm- Ride bikes around the block a couple times and try to teach her how to get the pedal to go around while scooting the bike up. She sucks in a lot of air and blows it out to show her frustration. It is then I realize she will look back at this moment in the future and realize why she despises me.

6:00 pm- She practices piano, I tell her if she curled her fingers more.... before I can finish she rolls her eyes and says "I got it".

6:02 pm- I shoot her with tranquilizers and put her to bed. See you tomorrow.