Sunday, November 28, 2010

Geez

So I have a story from what happened to me this summer that has left people stunned, speechless, shocked, in awe, sorry, suspicious, and laughing. I've told a couple people the story because it makes up who I am right now. My closest friends down here know the story. Of course the story is so astonishing, that people had to tell other people, starting with the line "You won't believe what happened to a guy I know" or "you won't believe what happened to a guy that one of my friend knows". It's a little diddy about a ship, an ocean, and heart break.
I'm not going to tell the story because I have respect for myself, the person involved, and the future of humanity. BBBUUUUUTTTTTT.............................. this evening I got a phone call from someone that informed me that they heard some one down the chain of knowing this story call a radio show here in Orlando with it to try to win a contest for worst story ever or something like that!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? People are pretending to have lived my story so they can win money?!?? People are profiting off of my misery? Is the story that ridiculous? Yes. My goal in life is to make other people happy but I don't want to have to go through what I did so someone can win a radio contest! I'm sure it wasn't even right. I think that's what bothers me the most. It's the copyright shit.
This story has become a part of me. A part of my past. I'm moving on from it, and I'm writing a hell of a script right now about it but I'm not sure if it's comedy, science fiction, romance, or fiction. Nope. It's non-fiction. He probably didn't win the contest because they thought it was too far fetched. Nope! Call the guy it happened to! I'll back everything up.

Be good to each other.
Cherish the happiness you have found.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanks

What do I give Thanks for after the year I've had?
1) My family
2) Unconditional Love
3) My family
4) Cherry Coke
5) My family
6) Forgiveness
7) My Mom
8) Perspective
9) My dad
10) Intelligence
11) My brother
12) My health
13) My true friends
14) Anti depressant medication
15) Shoulders
16) Hugs
17) Memories
18) Inside jokes
19) Art
20) Being excited about at least one thing every day
21) My family
22) I'm no longer the person I was years ago
23) Experiences
24) That everyday I try to become a better person. A smarter person. A more loving person. A better friend. A better son. A better uncle. A better artist. A stronger human. A survivor. A teacher. A student. A writer. A philosopher. A creator. And I've been able to make the world a better place since the time I woke up until I went to bed. I try to make sense out of the world and the chaos and maybe, just maybe, everyone in it is a little bit more at peace and caring for one another by the end.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happiness

Pure Happiness is calling your parents, getting on the phone with your 5 year old niece and having a 20 minute conversation with her about life, Christmas, Disney, movies, food, vacations, when Uncle Jason is coming to visit, Broadway Musicals, wish lists, and a whole bunch of stuff you didn't understand. Oh, and it's always fun to be corrected by her too.
I love my niece so much.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Kharma

My friend asked me a question tonight, which she usually prefaces with "I don't mean for this to hurt your feelings, BUT........" which I always love because it means I get to put my life in perspective. The question was "You have obviously gone through a lot of painful breakups, heartache, and disappointments. What do you think you benefit from those? What have you taken away from them?"
I don't know.
Isn't that why I'm an artist, though? If I knew the answers to everything, I'd be pretty boring.
The best answer I have is kharma. I believe in it. I think it's true. I think it pushes me around and I think it pushes me through. Is it wrong to believe I deserve everything I get (focusing on the bad)? Who am I to say how much bad kharma I have coming my way? Or how much good? I wish I could say that I have lived my life squeaky clean but I'm far from it. I think 90% of my life has been intended for good; to love, to secure, to admire, to teach, to praise, to counsel, to laugh, to honor, to trust. That other 10%, though......damn. The scary part is that I might have only cashed in 3% of it so far. I might have the other 7% still coming to me!! I believe in punishment for criminals. So, when I make a bad decision in life, I usually feel I should have the book thrown at me.
The other answer I have is maybe this is the life I'm supposed to lead. The other bit of advice I get is "everything happens for a reason". BUT, we instantly think that reason is supposed to be positive. Why do we do that? I'm not saying that the reason won't be positive, but why do we shun the idea that it was supposed to happen because it makes us sad and angry? That's sort of a negative way to look at it...but fuck it....I'm an artist and my job is to look at the world through a different lens. If God or whatever higher being has a plan for us, why does that necessarily mean it has to be the life we always dreamed of? I don't think it does. Then I even go more meta and think the reason all of this stuff has happened to me in my life and what I have benefited from it is that I look at life from this different angle and maybe write a song, play, movie, or TV show that makes me millions of dollars! Art evolves from poverty. It rises from emotions and physicalities that aren't recognized on a daily basis.
Can you be a true actor if you haven't experienced losing a loved one, be it death or break up? Can you be a true actor if you've never felt what it's like to be in love? Can you be a true actor if you've never felt what the deepest of depression feels like? Can you be a true actor if you haven't loved the strongest and hated the worst? I don't know. There are some kid actors who blow me away. (There are adult actors who should never step on stage).
My answer to my friend is "I don't know". If it's for the artist in me, they might be the greatest things I've ever experienced. If it's for the family man in me, they're pretty disappointing. If they're for the teacher in me, thank God that I have the experience to draw from.
For every one disappointment I've experienced, there are 50 accomplishments, gifts, and successes I cherish. I don't think only negative things make a good artist, you have to have the the highest of highs too. Overall, I think I'm an extremely positive person. I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt and reasoning out the negative in situations so everyone can get along. I think that is what has led me to make disappointing decisions in my life. But I learn from them. I suffer for them. I value them. I regret them. I try not to regret them. I try to find explanation for them. Some of my specific experiences might not explain themselves for another 40 years. As long as I get through each day without hurting someone or hurting myself, I think things will work out just fine. Does that mean growing old, never getting married, having kids, or having my dream job? Maybe. Maybe that's just what's "supposed to happen". I don't know who to go to for that checklist.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Venting

Are you just angry at the world because you think it's out to get you? Well, tough. Suck it up and move on. Lately, I'm finding myself angry at people who are angry. 9 times out of 10, the things that people are angry about doesn't amount for shit. I want them to go through their day and list everything that made them angry that day and they get to keep 3 of the items. The other 60 items I want them to crumple up in a ball and shove it up their a-hole. Now that's me being angry!!
Being angry is a creation you make because you feel like you've lost. Now this can range from something very minimal to drastic. The problem we find ourselves in is that we give the same amount of anger to the small shit as we do the big stuff. Here's what I get mad at: 1) People who can't use their turn signals. Nothing that's going to end the world, but I feel like I deserve the respect to be told where you're going so I don't kill myself or others. 2) People who don't respect their personal space and the personal space of others around them. I feel like I deserve some place in my planet where I don't have to hear anyone, listen to their cell phone conversations, be yelled at by drunken fools, or run into because someone is clumsy. 3) Angry people. Did you just lose your job? BE angry. Do you feel that no matter what you do, things don't fall in place for you? Be sort of angry. Do you feel that things should just be handed to you and you shouldn't have to work hard at getting them? Go fuck yourself.
What's wrong with my list? None of that matters in the larger scale of life!!!
Life is hard. If you don't believe that, write a book and I'll buy it and you can explain to me how it's not. Life doesn't owe you jack shit. If you think otherwise, again, write a book. Life isn't fair. Nope. Not one person I know has had all their expectations filled every single day. But guess what?????? We have choices! If you don't like something, suck it up, change it, or get out of the situation. You know what we do? We pout and bitch about it. NOW TELL ME ONE DAMN THING DOING THAT HELPS IN ANYWAY!!!!! I'm so tired of living in a society where more people stand on the sidelines and tell people how the game should be played instead of getting in the game and changing their outcome. THEIR outcome. Everyone is so worried about everyone else, and that person can think if they have everyone else thinking like they do, life will be better. Too bad suckers. Doesn't work that way.
Then there are people who just like to bitch about everything which fires me up even more because what are we supposed to do with that information? How can me knowing everything that frustrates you about a certain situation, move us forward if you don't intend to do anything but hope it gets magically fixed? Then that person walks around or drives around full of anger and that only has one outcome, its going to negatively affect someone else. Anger and pessimism are a poison. It's like the flu for happiness. A negative person is only happy if everyone else around them is sad and empathizes with the negativity. In truth, no one cares if someone is angry and tries to stay away from it, but it just sucks them in because that's what the catalyst wants.
This is how it relates to acting: When you get angry on stage, you've lost. You resort to screaming and ignoring people and make the decision to let your scene partner move the scene forward because you're not going to achieve anything just standing there and screaming. How in the hell can I not relate that to life? How can you move your life forward if you're angry? What can you change in someone else by bitching about stuff all the time and fuming? No one wants to listen to a mean person. Mean people suck. I've read that slogan!
We wake up everyday with the potential to achieve something. We are the only ones standing in the way. Lots of people will make you a list of every single person, event, and food that prohibits them from reaching their highest potential. Fuck you and your list. THE ONLY THING THAT STANDS IN THE WAY OF BEING HAPPY IS YOU. There a trillion choices you can make every single day that will make the day worth it, but we let 2 or 3 ridiculous things bring us down and let it ruin the rest of our day. That is our own choice, no one else. That is why I'm letting you have those 2 or 3 things that can make you angry. Anger is a genuine feeling. We can get very angry at things. But what if you die tomorrow? Do you really want the last day on earth being spent bitching about something that you had no control over anyway? That isn't the end of the world? That if you make another choice you could have avoided? That you assume you gave everything you had, but really you gave 30%? That instead of pouting for 30 minutes, you could have done something active for those 30 minutes that would have erased those feelings?
What I'm laughing about now is that I wonder how many people read this and the first thing they say is "Is he specifically talking about me?" Well, I'm talking about everyone. If you think it's about you, it's probably a suggestion of yourself made by yourself that could be looked into. I see it mostly at stores, restaurants, and on the road. We let stupid people ruin our days. Of course I have hundreds of friends in theater who bitch daily about the business and this show and that show and that director and that actor and this costume....really? I do it too, but instead of sitting around pouting, I'm doing something about it. I'm writing. Trying to educate. Trying to hold a mirror up to someone. Trying to maybe give someone the knowledge to not let something silly ruin their entire day because grand things can be accomplished when you strive for excellence. Grand things can not be accomplished when you put everyone down.
All of these thoughts stem from a call I placed yesterday to the cable company yesterday. The guy was from NY and we were putting things in place and just chatting about the city and teams and everything else while he was typing. He mentioned that he liked calls from me because he usually just deals with people yelling and threatening him. As an actor, I instantly wondered what the customer's tactic was. How do you get what you want by making someone feel worthless? The smaller they can make the other person feel, the more powerful they can feel themselves. That's just basic psychology. You have personality issues if you need to feel more powerful than someone. If that's what you need to do, you need to deal with those bigger issues and not the man who's putting cable in your apartment.
Eat, drink, and be merry. For tomorrow we die.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Black Sheep


There's one in every family. Possibly two or three. They're the kids who grow up with their eyes not looking at what's in front of them, but wondering what's around the corner. That mysterious wonder is not out of fear, but out of excitement. What's the point in exploring what's right in front of you? That's easy. It's already here.... but what about the potential of what's out there?
I feel that my entire family is a black sheep within society. Never really fitting in to the conformity of society. Always acting up in public with the general public cocking their heads to one side and wondering how we were able to tie our shoes in the morning. Well guess what world??? My dad wears velcro shoes, so HA! The black sheep are always given a little bit more leeway when it comes to projects in the family because they're a bit "special". Not mentally, but the entire soul.
I realized I was the black sheep when I decided I wanted to move to NY when I was, oh let's say 15. Why? I have no clue. I just knew I wanted to be at the place where it seemed exciting to just wake up. To get out of bed every day and go do a Broadway show and hang out with David Letterman and Larry "Bud" Melman. Although, there was a flip side that I didn't put together yet. By moving to NY, becoming an artist, and living my life from one week to the next, I was giving up the thing that I would become extremely jealous of in my friends: security. It's no secret. Everywhere in the country, most kids graduate high school, go to the college that's pretty close to home, and get married before they're 30 to someone in the area and now they have a home, kids, and 2 sets of grandparents to babysit pretty regularly. The last statement that I just made seems about as foreign to me as Obama's health care package. It might never seem it, but I wish I had fallen in that pattern. Working in Columbus, hanging out with my childhood friends, seeing my parents regularly, and starting a Buckeye family. Sadly, none of those things will ever be true for me.
I would argue that I did not choose the life I lead, but it chose me. Who in their right mind would decide to become an artist with all of the other jobs there are in the world? This week consists of me going to rehearsal 3 times and learning the Shakespeare text to Twelfth Night and performing an all male reading of the show with the women parts in dresses. I've really decided to change the world here! But I don't know what else to do with this life I was given. I was put here to change people. To help people. To teach people. To experience so much every day that my brain wants to explode and deliver that knowledge to others. If this reading helps someone in their own life, then I have done my job. That is why I'm a child of the world. It is very seldom that someone in today's society can say, "I have absolutely no idea where I'll be in 2 years." I think that every day. I honestly have absolutely no freakin clue where I will physically be in 2 years. I could be in Wyoming, California, Ohio, Florida, NYC, or Africa. This is where the shitty part comes in: I'm not too worried about it. Baa Baa Black Sheep.
Black sheep live day to day. Our first marriage usually comes after others' 2nd divorces. We have more jobs in a decade than most people have in a lifetime. We are able to pack up an apartment in a weekend and know the best ways to get from place to place. We are loved by our families and we love our families more than anything, but we feel we aren't able to express it in the same way as our siblings who are geographically closer.
Lots of good points to it though. We live in the moment. We never know what the next day will bring. We meet hundreds of people a year and some remain friends and some fade. We love facebook because we can keep in contact with the people we feel we left behind or left us behind. We see the world. Sometimes we have that feeling of a child when the box the gift came in at Christmas is good enough to keep our interests heightened.
On the other hand, black sheep feel left out. We're always the last ones called in a family emergency. We always hear the "we didn't want to tell you because you would just worry and there's nothing you can do there." We miss weddings. We miss birthdays. We miss funerals. We miss watching our nieces and nephews get bigger and listen as their vocabulary stuns adults. We miss having a big home. We're not always understood. We usually offend people. We never think anything is ever "enough".
There's a balance. What we love about other people, they hate, and vice versa. In a perfect world, I wish I could transport home when I wanted to but keep leading the exploration life I love so much.
Hi. My name is Jason. And I am a black sheep.