What were my resolutions last year? To get in shape: that didn't work. Get into grad school: success. Become as efficient in theater literature as I could: Will I ever consider myself there? To make my girlfriend the happiest human being on earth: in a very indirect way, I did, she's happy now. Success! To go to bed every night a better person than I was when I woke up: hit and miss. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's a friend, but I make sure someone is happy.
So where does that leave me now? Should I make resolutions? Just because I make them, doesn't mean they have to be accomplished as seen from experience. So here goes my 34 resolutions ( I realize next year I'll have to have 35):
1) I'm going to find a cure for cancer
2) I will marry Reese Witherspoon after her next divorce
3) I'll lose 3 pounds.
4) I'll finally live by the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'll realize I'm a fucking idiot."
5) I will find the artistic integrity in Jersey Shore, Keeping with the Kardashians, and Teen Moms.
6) I will perform in Spiderman the Musical without getting injured.
7) Become a copy of another celebrity other than Jeremy Piven. Maybe Wendy Williams.
8) Dedicate my year to finding a cure to Bieber Fever.
9) Get on the cover of People Magazine's World's Sexiest Man.
10) Win the Pulitzer, Nobel, Tony, Emmy, Grammy, and Academy. But piss on the Golden Globes.
11) Convert at least 10 people to SiriusXM satellite radio because normal radio is a big pile of steaming dung.
12) Sell my stuff to a tattoo parlor.
13) Find the spirit of Groundhog's Day in my heart.
14) Avoid my birthday.
15) Figure a way out to express to my parents that they are 95% of the reason I am where I am and that I can survive through each day.
16) Oh.....win an AVN award
17) Just like every year, get a part in a movie that they will make an action figure of my character
18) Kill Osama Bin Laden
19) Convince the godhatesfags.com idiots that one of their children is gay and watch the comedy pursue.
20) Sign with the Miami Heat
21) Somehow convince people that even though I can't drink for medical purposes, I'm no different than other people I know.
22) Invent a device that is an ipod, blu ray, i phone, automobile, house, and sex machine all in one.
23) Stand on the floor of congress and look at both parties and say "You both suck. There are millions of people who are counting on you. Take an acting class and learn how to collaborate"
24) Make a perfect souffle cake
25) See the Grand Canyon
26) Pick all 65 games correctly in a March Madness bracket bet.
27) Be able to recite every line that Shakespeare wrote from memory.
28) Take the self conscience, low self esteem, and judgement side of my brain and throw it out the window, hopefully it lands on Osama Bin Laden, and kill them both.
29) Maybe give Kaley Cuoco a chance, she is constantly wanting me. It gets tiresome.
30) Get in the kind of shape that people mistake me for Ryan Reynolds with Jeremy Piven's face and acting technique. Or Wendy Williams.
31) Prepare to run a marathon in 2012.
32) Start taking headshots for actors
33) Find the nuances in everything and keep my passion for human beings, fitness, the arts, and education going. Try to spread my knowledge and experience and soak in those of others so that we as a community can make the world a better, happier, smarter, and artistic place to live.
34) Try to change the world, one day at a time.
So here's to a new year. Our default day that we say we have a new slate. Why it's this day and can't be any day of the year to make that decision is beyond me. To health, happiness, security, family, friendship, trust, education, taking chances, optimism, love, and creating through all of the days of 2011.