Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Why I'm in the Minority

       I'm a white heterosexual male.  Historically, I have never had to overcome prejudices, laws that didn't benefit me, or voting or marriage issues.  These past couple weeks, I've realized that there are things about me that make me sit alone in the world.
       I don't play candy crush.  I don't even know what it looks like.  I don't know any inside jokes that come along with candy crush.  If you show me candy crush and the DNA model of a female spider, I wouldn't be able to differentiate between the two.
       When I drive, that's all I do. Drive.  I don't text, update my twitter, drive one handed, "like" my friends' facebook statuses.  When I switch lanes, I use my turn signal.  I'm able to do this because I have both hands free.  One is not attached to my left ear, which also allows me to check my blind spot when switching lanes.
       I drive the speed limit.  I don't drive 8 miles under which actually causes more wrecks than driving 4 over.  I don't come to a complete stop on merge lanes.
       At the gym, I work out.  I don't pose in the mirror.  I don't speak loudly into my cell phone while on the treadmill for 30 minutes straight because I'm working out.  I'm breathing hard.  It would be very unpleasant for the listener if I would talk to them while I was working out, which is why I went to the gym in the first place.   I don't have my leg up on the bench in the locker room and dry my taint for a good 10 minutes.  Even in the privacy of my own apartment I have never spent more than 15 seconds in the taintness region.
        These are things that I feel 98% of society does and I feel ashamed I'm on the outside looking in.
        I don't text during plays or movies.  I am able to allow myself to be immersed in the imaginary world for 2 hours of the day without worrying what is happening on the outside world.
        I am able to be in a room of 7 people and be the only person not on their phone.  I am able to enjoy the company of those around me.
        I can make it through an entire play without opening a piece of candy.  I can honestly say I've made it through 37 years of my life without eating a piece of hard candy wrapped in a plastic.  I can honestly say I have NEVER seen anyone eat or open a piece of hard candy, unless they are watching Willy Loman's final plea to the world at the end of Death of a Salesman.
       I read books.
       If given a 5 question test that will have me executed if I can't answer one correctly about any of the Kardashians, I will be executed.  Unless one of the questions is "Leave this answer blank if you don't know anything about the Kardashians"
       I would commit suicide if I ever acted like I was superior to someone working in the restaurant business, a teacher, a janitor, anyone who works..ever, anyone who has a job that allows the general public tell them what a piece of shit they are.

I am in the minority.  I demand my rights.
That's it right now.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Evolution of a show

3 days prior to auditions-
"I have my song, I had 3 voice lessons, I have my outfit, I have my picture and resume, I've watched all the youtube clips, I'm taking an extra dance class, I've read the script.  My audition time is at "x", which means I'll spend 2 hours traveling, get there 30 minutes before, stretch, look nice, and smile at everyone there"

Day of audition- 
"I traveled two hours, I look nice, I got my hair cut, I have my picture and resume, I have three extra ones just in case, I've smiled at everyone, I have my song book in perfect order, with tabs for quick access, songs categorized by genre, tempo, belt, legit, comic, dramatic, 32 bars, 16 bars, and 8 bars."
" Yes director sir, I will and can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you ask for.  I would love to take my clothes off for you if it will get me the job.  Can I sing another song but do it backwards?  Anything for you to get the job.  Oh, that is a very interesting story mister director sir, I will laugh and giggle at everything you say (Even though I don't understand anything you're saying) so it will get me the job.  Look how much fun it will be to work with me!"

4 days after audition-
"I got the job?  Thank you!"

"Dear Facebook, I will be playing the role of "x" at "x" theater from "x" to "x".  I am so honored and lucky to be part of such a fascinating show."   (143 likes)

Leading up to rehearsal-
"My going away party will be at "x" bar from 7-the next day and I will most likely be hooking up with one of my kind of close friends after a lot of alcohol because I will be gone to do what I have passion for"
"I need someone to sublet my apartment for 52 days"
"I will go home and spend a week with my family so I will be all charged for my show"
"I have the exact number of underwear, shirts, shoes, pants, shorts, hair products, etc for the run of the show"
" I have all the songs memorized and all my lines in perfect line readings.  I don't want to embarrass myself.  I don't want to be the worst person in the room."
"Dear restaurant.  I hate this job.  Go fuck yourself."

1st Day of rehearsal-
"Thanks for finding me on Facebook.  How do we know "x" in common?"
"You're attractive, I hope we hook up by the end of the run"
"Oh my Gosh, Mr Director, everything you're saying is SO funny!.  All of my cast mates are so funny too!"
"Good read thru! (I am so much more talented than the two leads)

3rd Day of rehearsal
"I am friends with these 4 people and don't really talk to those 8 people.  And I hate that girl because she looked at me wrong one day"
"Oh you like "x"?  We should definitely go do that when we get back to the city!"
" When I did this show a few years ago, we did it like "x", and it was so much funnier"
" I love everyone in this cast.  We go everywhere and do everything together"

Last day of rehearsal-
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"
"We're never going to be ready to open."
"Leave me alone!  Where's my costume?!"
"Hey backstage tech jerk, get out of my way, I need to get on!"
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"
"I hate all of you"

Opening Night-
"I wrote cards to all of you.  I love all of you"
"I'm so nervous!"
"I believe in this show so much and believe this cast will blow everyone away"
"Opening night drinks! Everyone is taking pictures.  Tag me in them on Facebook please"

Next Morning-
"I'm so hungover"

1 week into run-
"I have about three people I like to hang out with outside the theater"
"The audience tonight didn't laugh at anything we did.  They suck.  They should all die"
"I'm going to start changing up my show because it's kind of getting boring"
"Is she ever going to sing that note right?"

2 weeks into run-
"My parents are here tonight, I want you all to meet them!"
"The sight of those 2 people in the cast makes me want to stab them in the neck."
"I don't want to be here tonight.  Can't we just cancel the show?"
(Insert about 87 inside jokes about the show and other cast members)

3 weeks into run-
"I fucking hate this show"
"21 more performances and I get out of this hell hole."
" I hate everyone who is in this show, knows about it, or comes to see it"
"Let's do the show as quickly as possible tonight"
"I've hated the director since the first day.  Do you remember (insert weird story when everyone didn't know each other and couldn't be honest with each other)?

4 weeks into run-
"I shouldn't have slept with "x" but I was drunk, bored, and lonely and now they think we have a "thing""
"14 more shows of this God forsaken piece of shit show that is ruining my life"
" I only like my one friend in the show"
"I'd rather be anywhere than here right now"
"Why would anyone come see this show? Do they know I'm the only talented one in it?"
(While on stage, thinking) "Wonder what happened on Walking Dead tonight?"
"What is wrong with this audience?  They don't respond to anything!  Why did they even waste my time by coming here?  They are here to purposely ruin my life."

Last week of run-
"I'm going to miss everyone so much!"
"I can't wait to get back to the city and get my life in order"
"Unemployment.  Wah Wah."
"Does anyone have a lead on any apartments?"
"I wrote everyone cards for closing night"
"I'm going to miss this show"
"Why am I crying during curtain call?"