Sunday, February 13, 2011

Why I do what I do

I'm already upset with this blog because of its title. They do identify my belief in the theme of tonight's entry, though. Other titles on the short list were "Leave me the fuck alone", "I feel sorry for your future", and "Really, this is what you're worried about?". I have come to pleasantly accept that I'm a stream of conscious writer. I hardly do any editing from the time I sit down to the point I post the blog. I believe that stems from my wholly and holy belief in the magic of the moment right now. I do not fear making mistakes and I believe that since I've made 7,444,376,395,103,998 mistakes in my life and I can still wake up every day with money in my bank account, a smile on my face, and doing what I feel I was put on this earth to do, I learn from them and move on.
So, back to my title. I honestly feel that 30 people watch me a day (most likely more) and roll their eyes and say "if Jason would just do this, he would be so much happier and successful." Well, I haven't really come across anyone who is much happier than I am. And what is the standard for success? The theme of this semester/year for me is "I'm out of NYC for the first time in 12 years, I was an actor for a total of 12% of the time I was there, I worked three jobs, let the city run me down, let girlfriends put my life on hold, let money dictate my actions, didn't see theater on a daily basis, didn't audition on a daily basis, did everything half ass, didn't take full advantage of my opportunities, and where did that get me?" Writing on a blog about my experiences as the oldest member of my grad class and trying to figure out the world. And on the flip side, I am the happiest person every day when I get out of bed and the only thing that is going to hold me back from everything I've ever dreamed of, is me.
The inside joke in the grad class is that I act in too many of the undergrad's directing scenes. As I remember waking up at 7 am on saturdays, teaching at a preschool till 3, sprinting to my restaurant to work until 2 am, and then being back at the preschool at 9 am to work till 6pm......... I will act in 700 directing scenes a day if that means I can try different acting techniques (read previous blog entry), meet new artists, read new literature, get new ideas from the directing teachers, and meet other fellow actors who just might be a perfect fit in the theater/comedy company dream that nestles itself silently in the back of my brain. I get to wake up every day and create, collaborate, try things, fail at things, succeed at things, be part of a community that surprises me everyday, and learn and argue with professors who themselves believe and admit they are looking for as many answers as I am.
Because........(timpani drum)'s all going to end very very soon. The one advantage I have above everyone else at this school is I've seen the other side. Although, I never judge anyone for this and hold it against them. I didn't realize it at that age. That's why this is MY blog. I'm giving my truest self to the world. I've played in the big leagues. I've fought in the equity wars, the chorus call wars, the casting director wars, and have survived with minor and major injuries. Suck it up now people. It all goes away!!! I feel like I am in the middle of a vacation and it doesn't seem fair that I get to do what I want everyday. Every Wednesday when I have the decision to either sit in the grad office and read a script, go to the practice room, act in a directing scene, sit and stare at the wall, say hi to someone new in the hallway, or bitch about my life...... I think about the 5 years that I sat on the N train at 2:45 and cursed my life that I was going to bartend and wished I didn't have money to worry about and could just sit at home and read a script, go to a practice room, act in a directing scene, sit and stare at a wall, or bitch....oh that's what I was doing.....bitching about my life.
I'm almost 33% done with my time at UCF. WTF???? That's the new generation's way of saying What the Fuck... (My parents read my's a great form of communication...Love yooooooooooooooou!!) I do more in one week here than I did in 1 year in NYC. Even when we didn't have classes over the break or on weekends, since I wasn't forced to study and work, I didn't. When I graduate, I promise I'll go 4 months without trying to further my smarts or technique in acting. It's sad but true.
So that's why I do what I do. I'm soaking everything up now because I know what it's like to have nothing, and right now I feel like I have everything. The English Proverb says "We never know the worth of water till the well is dry". To all the people who toured the country and world with me doing unbelievable shows and getting paid on every Friday: Remember all the bitching about the mundane shit?? Doesn't seem so bad now, does it?? How's that catering gig at Foot Locker going?
I know this sounds bitter and a little superior, but as I say on a daily basis: I could be dead tomorrow and do I really want to spend my day bitching about something that will have no matter in my life in a week? That's what people do who gossip and worry about others more than themselves. They are bored with their own lives and at least someone out their is living a little. Reality shows?? Why do we care? So to sum up: Live every day tot he fullest. Block out the negativity. Do something today you've never done before. Because tomorrow might not be there.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe with an MFA you can get cheese on your taco ; ). Terribly jealous as I head off to bartend