Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Ghosts of Christmas Pasts

Through my rough times lately, a lot of people have been sending me quotes that in so many words say this: Forget the past, don't live in the past, don't fret the future, you have no control of the future, live in the now cause it's a that's cute, you can only control where you are right now. On paper, I mean, on computer..who owns paper makes sense, but I have spent many hours thinking about that and why it's so hard.
First, if a man is the sum of his actions, how can we forget the past? I think the reason it's so hard for me to let go of the past is because everything in my past has made me who I am right now. If someone hurts me, I would love to just erase that person from my life, but by erasing that period of time I feel like I'm giving no credit to what I lived through and the choices I made in that period. Like it was a waste of time.
Second, don't fret the future. Ok, but I need money in the future. If I have dreams and goals I want to accomplish, I need to make decisions now that will help those goals come to fruition. So if I don't care about the future,I don't need to care about today, right?
Finally, live for the now. Well what if now fucking sucks?
I guess I can just try to live each moment the best I can, but if I'm not worried about the future, then I can spend all my money today. So I'm going to go buy a rickshaw. Why not? The future will take care of itself no matter what I decide to do. I could die and the days will just keep going on. The past has already happened. And wow, I wish I could get a lot of those times back. The good ones and the bad ones. Am I supposed to forget the bad ones and keep the good ones, well that's pretty prejudice. Shouldn't I learn from my mistakes? Geez, I don't know if there's a text book that's big enough to teach those lessons.
I want to wake up and smile. Well, that's worried about the future. Should I want to smile right now? I'm too tired. I'd rather be sleeping. I hope the Indians are good next season. That's worried about the future, so should I hope they're good now? Well, they're not. They're really really not.
I've decided I'm not going to do my homework, tomorrow will take care of itself. And I maybe got a F on a test yesterday, oh well, maybe my professor won't live in the past.
I'm trying to leave my baggage at the door when I come in, but it's duct taped to my leg and 17 handcuffs are attached to it and me. That's the past. The baggage doesn't have to be opened, but it makes me a little bit heavier and I sometimes have trouble accessorizing it. And the damn thing sometimes makes me owe the airlines extra money when I check in. For those who aren't keeping up, the joke is it's emotional baggage and I'm personifying it!!! Ha ha ha.
I need to sleep now, so tomorrow I don't fall asleep in the middle of a handstand. Tomorrow??????? Not worried about it.

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