Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Uh oh

It's one of those days where I shake my head, put my hands in my pocket, shuffle my sneakers across the rocks, and giggle just enough to make my upper back convulse a bit. I'm an artist. Damn it. An artist. Someone should only be an artist if they would die if they didn't do it. Crap. I don't know what else I would do. I have many hobbies, but damn it. An Artist.
The negative connotation to that is I have accepted that life will never be easy for me and that is getting out of my comfort zone and that kills me inside. Artists don't retire, they just die. Am I cursed with this? Am I lucky? As my friends kiss their wives and husbands goodbye, kiss their kids goodbye, get in their car, pull out of the garage of their house, drive to work where they'll make more this year than I will in 5 years, put money in their retirement fund, look at all the great places they're going to vacation to this summer, I sit in a classroom, a practice room, a studio, a movie set, a stage......... and try to make some sense out of this chaos of the world. I do exercises in class that would make 98% of humans feel stupid, with the objective of becoming a neutral, free spirit that can communicate depths of human feelings and emotions that they can't witness at their job that they make 5 times more than I do.
Why? I was born this way. Nature or nurture? I don't know. I was put on this earth to make life better for other people. I try to take the negativity in the world and turn it to make a positive. I strive to make my friends and strangers better people and live up to the potential that every single one of us possess.
That's what separates the artists from the actors. Actors like curtain calls, award shows, and reality shows. Artists want to show a vision of the human spirit without glorifying the dumbing down of a nation that we so easily do.
Americans don't like to feel. We don't like to fail. We don't like to succeed. We get scared of success. We get scared of being judged. We get hate being invincible. We hate being third class. We never let anyone see us cry. We don't like the loud person on the train. We'd rather watch Jersey Shore than read Dickens. If we forget our phone, we have failed for the day.
We like to stay neutral and average, because then we're safe.
I hate feeling safe......now.


  1. Why do you feel safe?

    I know what you mean when you say "Someone should only be an artist if they would die if they didn't do it." I had an experience like that when I finally switched my major to Drama in college. It was a long time coming. For so long I had been jaded by the common ideal of "success" in this world. I didn't think I could achieve success in life if I chose the path of an actor; but I realized that if I wasn't an actor, I was even more miserable.

    So yes, it is highly unlikely I'll ever have a normal family of my own. It is highly unlikely that I will buy a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. It is highly unlikely that I will have 2 cars, 2.5 children, and a goal to retire at 50.....but I know that I wouldn't be happy if I had all those things and NOT be an actor.

  2. Well said! There's only one thing I wish to add, if I may. Artists do eventually die, however their spirit lives forever through their work!

    ~ Mandy

  3. Then there is me...or us...the ones who chickened out on being an artist. I miss being an artist. I am now just the Crazy Auntie. But you Jason you are a hero. Please just know that and nothing that you do is in vain. XOXO