Monday, April 18, 2011

How do I what?

"So Jason, how does that make you feel?".......... What? I don't know if you understand. I'm a 35 year old heterosexual male who watches sports, bartends, and works out. I don't feel. Or if I do, I try to repress those feelings and shove them down as low as possible. What? I'm an actor and that might be the reason I only made it as far as I have so far? What do you mean I have to start feeling? Why don't you just replay every game that a team from Cleveland has played and I'm sure I'll tap into anger, disappointment, and utter defeat. I don't think you understand, when I feel, that means I become vulnerable, and that leads to pain and confusion. If I control my feelings I can almost assure you that I'll always be happy and hysterical! I don't like that you say if I repress my feelings they're going to explode out one day and make every minute of every hour extremely difficult to get through. Oh..... so that's what's been happening these past couple weeks. I liked being silly. I don't like this real shit. I'm actually getting back to the point where I'm shoving all those feelings right back to where they can't be seen or felt again!!! Yay Jason!!!
When did it occur in my life that guys don't cry? Why do I resist feeling normal human emotions when I'm on stage? My brain is involved. I might not be as smart as my brother, but for some reason I can never turn off my brain when I get involved with something. An artist is supposed to feel from the gut. The blood, organisms, energy, and life is what dictates my work, but for some reason I feel I can outsmart everything. One of my professors told me that everything I do I relate to 9/11 and of course things don't trigger an emotion in me like that did. Let's see: I get sad when terrorists invade my city and 3,000 of my neighbors get murdered. So what is the proper emotion when my pet dies in a play? It's something that a weighted scale doesn't have much impact on.
I have to feel. I have to let myself be affected by things. I need to stop thinking my way through events. I need to let movies have an emotional effect on me other than Major League, Field of Dreams, Hoosiers, and Miracle. Maybe if I only do plays about sports I should be just fine.

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