Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Oh Grad School

I'm done with one year. What the fuck. What have I learned? Let's see if I can make it short:
As human beings, and artists, we try to communicate a story to someone else through behavior and speech. Everything we do with our bodies, including voice, either tells the audience what we want them to know or not. We are humans that possess an emotional life that develops everyday of our life and we have a feeling towards everything no matter how small or large that is. Over time we build habits in our bodies that protect us from feeling and being comfortable in every situation. Those habits get in the way of communicating, breathing, speaking, and sharing our emotional life with others. Grad school is to teach us how to get out of our own way when we're on stage. As actors, we are full of tensions, mannerisms, and defense mechanisms that keep us from being as true to the emotional life of the character and play that can be. Emotions and behavior are found in the breath.
In the past 20 years, I have found every possible way to protect myself from my emotions and in turn, have kept myself from feeling really bad. I have dealt with depression on and off for over 20 years. I have dealt with anxiety, fear, panic, anger, self doubt, and countless other things that have kept me from fulfilling my dreams and kept me at an arms length of everything I've ever wanted. With three weeks to go in school, some things have triggered in my body and life and I'm a vulnerable open soul that is dealing with demons of my past and living in the now. Guess what? It fucking sucks. It sucks like a prostitute in Times Square in the 80's. It sucks like the show "Shit My Dad Says". I'm now out of my head and into my body and guess what? Summer Vacation!!! Oh good! Now I have nothing to do all day but live in this open sucky state.
I'm ok. At the end of the day it doesn't kill me. It keeps me from being hyper and passionate, but that should come with time. I'm not protecting myself. Really, I don't give a fuck what other people think of me. All I care about is myself. I'm not going to stop caring about others. I will always care about others. I'm feeling. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm close to being a real actor.
I've realized for the 6,876th time in my life, life isn't fair and unfortunately, it doesn't seem to get easier on the 6,877th time. It's how the hero rises from this that's important. One step at a time. One scene at a time. One breath at a time. One day at a time. One class at a time. What is my character's arch? Have I lived the best that I could have so far? Not at all and that means two things. 1) When the best does happen, the amount of happiness and excitement is more than I've ever felt in my life, and that is going to world changing 2) It's not going to be easy. Actually, it's going to be harder than I anticipated. And that my friends, scares the living shit out of me but I do, I do, I do believe in myself and know that I'm capable of accomplishing it.
I love my family.

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