Monday, June 21, 2010

Time to Be Honest

I started this blog to track my journey through grad school, my experiences, and let my audience be entertained by my ups and downs. To be a true artist, honesty is everything. There's no point in me pretending the true stuff doesn't happen and just try to make jokes about things. So here's the truth. I'm in a funk. What the hell is happening? My girlfriend has been gone for three months across the world, I'm living with my brother, I have no permanent address, I continue to workout with practically no results, I'm reading and studying and my capacity to retain information is that of a 4 year old, and I have no constant income coming in. Oh yeah, I have to take my GRE this Friday and studying the math portion of that makes me wonder how I ever graduated high school. I will do pretty bad on the English portion just like I did in high school because it seems my vocabulary is roughly around 98 words and anything that doesn't fall on that list could be Korean to me. The more I'm reading, the more I realize how much time I wasted in NYC and college and it's not a wonder why I spent so much time behind a bar and passing out Ritter's chocolate on the street. The reason actors take those jobs is because they're working their asses off when they get home with the expectation of getting a job that will move them up the ladder with no anticipation of coming down. I'm reading plays that are on the mandatory reading list for college students. Really, Jason? Why have you never read Miss Julie? Look Back in Anger? Midsummer Night's Dream? I sit here and judge myself and say, "Hey stupid. Way to try to be the best at what you love."
My mom made the joke last night that I would never own a house. Now I know she was joking, but deep down, she was just confirming my subconscious that I will always be living day to day and a medium sized apartment is my dream home. Do you know how many kids are roaming around me on a daily basis? At the store, restaurants, neighborhoods, baseball games? I don't have kids. I'm not married. I'm not even engaged. I'm looking at these statements combined with the fact that I have absolutely no solid career and I feel like I should be 22, fresh out of college, getting ready to tackle the world.
I'm writing this because these next few years are going to be quite a journey. In one year, this post could make me laugh or just make me angrier for not changing. I think what's important is I keep track of what is happening to me internally and externally through the years.
Externally? Well..... nothing like being a personal trainer and having a body that is only better than about 30% of the members. How is someone supposed to take me seriously when I weigh 170 pounds and am still 13% body fat. No tone and muscles doing everything they can to just distinguish themselves from the bone. The reason this makes me so angry is because of the amount of work I put in at the gym. Hours and hours. My diet is pretty good. My understanding of the body, training, and the gym is superior than most people but it seems like I can't help myself. If I went 2 days a week and just swung a dead cat around until I hit a machine and then did an exercise there until I started bleeding from the eyes, I'd be content with my look. But come on. What happened to "there is an opposite and equal reaction to every action"?
Honestly, I feel I should be further in my life, all aspects, than I am right now. Was I a late bloomer? Puberty hit me late? My attention span isn't great? My short term memory... and long term memory isn't awesome? My..... What was I saying?........ Oh,... I have too many hobbies? I think too much instead of putting it in action? These among many other questions are those I'm trying to answer or start to answer in the coming years. Life is a journey. Life is crazy journey. Life is an astounding journey. 9 days out of 10 I love waking up, going through my day, and experiencing as much as possible. But today isn't one of them.
I have dozens and dozens of ideas in my head for scripts, shows, events, etc.. but there's a part of me that thinks and knows they will be buried with me when I die. And why? We only live once. Why am I not waking up at 6 am and create until 11pm? Why is the theater/movie/music world not doing the same thing? That's one of the main reasons I'm going to grad school. To get out of NYC and get in a setting where I have time for this stuff and the people who want to do it without the financial stresses of NYC.
I feel I identify with Hoarders because unlike them who have possessions, I have thoughts and dreams that I don't sort out, pursue, and perfect. I leave them laying around and will get to them later and they're just piling up and becoming clutter.
I will be starting a podcast that I will keep up for the next three years and hopefully beyond. The idea is to interview people, actors, directors, teachers, and students in the creative world. I will focus on their projects and journeys but most importantly, what their feedback is on the idea of what is theater? What is art? Why do we need it? What's so important about it? What would happen if theater and art just disappeared? These are some serious thoughts that have been running through my head. I have a few jobs that have concrete results from. Training makes peoples lives better and help them reach their goals. Working with kids help kids then and there. And the things they learn, as long as it's correct, they'll keep with them forever. Waiting tables and bartending gets people drunk, helps them have a good night, and has money waiting for me immediately. But theater? Why? To teach? Entertain? This is a subject that I will go more in depth and be able to understand more at the end.
Ok. Back to work. Let's see what I can do.

1 comment:

  1. You tweaked at my heart strings...and that is part of it, J. You've got HEART - it jumps from your blog. I will continue to follow your journey. Best! LWT