Monday, November 22, 2010


My friend asked me a question tonight, which she usually prefaces with "I don't mean for this to hurt your feelings, BUT........" which I always love because it means I get to put my life in perspective. The question was "You have obviously gone through a lot of painful breakups, heartache, and disappointments. What do you think you benefit from those? What have you taken away from them?"
I don't know.
Isn't that why I'm an artist, though? If I knew the answers to everything, I'd be pretty boring.
The best answer I have is kharma. I believe in it. I think it's true. I think it pushes me around and I think it pushes me through. Is it wrong to believe I deserve everything I get (focusing on the bad)? Who am I to say how much bad kharma I have coming my way? Or how much good? I wish I could say that I have lived my life squeaky clean but I'm far from it. I think 90% of my life has been intended for good; to love, to secure, to admire, to teach, to praise, to counsel, to laugh, to honor, to trust. That other 10%, though......damn. The scary part is that I might have only cashed in 3% of it so far. I might have the other 7% still coming to me!! I believe in punishment for criminals. So, when I make a bad decision in life, I usually feel I should have the book thrown at me.
The other answer I have is maybe this is the life I'm supposed to lead. The other bit of advice I get is "everything happens for a reason". BUT, we instantly think that reason is supposed to be positive. Why do we do that? I'm not saying that the reason won't be positive, but why do we shun the idea that it was supposed to happen because it makes us sad and angry? That's sort of a negative way to look at it...but fuck it....I'm an artist and my job is to look at the world through a different lens. If God or whatever higher being has a plan for us, why does that necessarily mean it has to be the life we always dreamed of? I don't think it does. Then I even go more meta and think the reason all of this stuff has happened to me in my life and what I have benefited from it is that I look at life from this different angle and maybe write a song, play, movie, or TV show that makes me millions of dollars! Art evolves from poverty. It rises from emotions and physicalities that aren't recognized on a daily basis.
Can you be a true actor if you haven't experienced losing a loved one, be it death or break up? Can you be a true actor if you've never felt what it's like to be in love? Can you be a true actor if you've never felt what the deepest of depression feels like? Can you be a true actor if you haven't loved the strongest and hated the worst? I don't know. There are some kid actors who blow me away. (There are adult actors who should never step on stage).
My answer to my friend is "I don't know". If it's for the artist in me, they might be the greatest things I've ever experienced. If it's for the family man in me, they're pretty disappointing. If they're for the teacher in me, thank God that I have the experience to draw from.
For every one disappointment I've experienced, there are 50 accomplishments, gifts, and successes I cherish. I don't think only negative things make a good artist, you have to have the the highest of highs too. Overall, I think I'm an extremely positive person. I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt and reasoning out the negative in situations so everyone can get along. I think that is what has led me to make disappointing decisions in my life. But I learn from them. I suffer for them. I value them. I regret them. I try not to regret them. I try to find explanation for them. Some of my specific experiences might not explain themselves for another 40 years. As long as I get through each day without hurting someone or hurting myself, I think things will work out just fine. Does that mean growing old, never getting married, having kids, or having my dream job? Maybe. Maybe that's just what's "supposed to happen". I don't know who to go to for that checklist.

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